Competitive Nature

All of my life I've been competitive. I thrive on competition, deadlines, stress, and pressure. While I always realized that not everyone works this way, it wasn't until this year that I was told it's not the healthiest way to live my life, and it's not necessarily fun for those around me.

Growing up with three siblings definitely contributed to my competitive nature. It's hard to feel like you have something to offer the world when each of your siblings have special talents, gifts, abilities. My oldest brother can tell a story better than any individual I've ever met. He can captivate an audience better than anyone I've seen. My older sister is virtually perfect in every aspect of her life. She's very intelligent, very artistic, musically gifted, athletic and outdoorsy, a great cook, hairstylist, computer genius. The list never seems to end. She can play at least three different instruments, speak multiple languages, has her masters degree and is married to one of the best guys I know. Even my other brother had a great sense of humor, was easy going, carefree and happy all the time.

It's hard growing up with such individuals, because even though they're my siblings, we weren't as close as I wish we would have been. There's a five and a half year difference between me and the youngest of my three siblings. And while I wouldn't change that for the world because I think it has shaped who I am and what I'll be, it gave me many misconceptions. I know now that none of their lives are perfect, that none of them are perfect. But when I was growing up, it seemed like Brendan was the entertainer, the popular guy. Shana was the perfect daughter, doing everything well. And Colin was the easy going guy that everyone wanted to have around. My perception of reality made it difficult for me to determine what I was going to be, what I would offer to the world, and to my family.

My friends tell me I'm overly-competitive, and they are completely right. There are aspects of my life that I feel the need to win, succeed, etc. When in reality, there's no prize for winning, there's no benefit to that minor success, and I'm the one who ends up losing out on just enjoying life or the moment. And while I agree that I need to become less competitive about certain aspects of my life, there's areas I refuse to let my competitive nature die out.

Before, my view of my 'competition' with my siblings was one where I wanted to be better than any of them at what they specialized in. And while that would be difficult in any case, it's especially challenging when you have three siblings who are all extremely wonderful and talented in their own ways that are completely different than each other. For so long I couldn't see past what they were good at, I only saw their accomplishments, none of their failures, weaknesses, etc. I didn't see that none of them were competiting with eachother, I was the only one doing that.

I had to finally realize that the competition couldn't be with them, but with myself. Am I a better person today than I was yesterday? Did I fail at something so badly and still pick myself back up and try again? Did I try something new? Am I proud of the person I have become? Would I want my parents to know exactly who I am? Would I want my neice and nephew to simulate my behavior?

I think that my competitive nature will always keep me trying to better myself. Though, thanks to my friends, I hope I channel my competitiveness towards a better cause that allows me to be happy, set realistic expectations, and pushes me towards something better.