Expiration Date

The easiest way to tell who your true friends are is by putting an expiration date of sorts on said friendship, or at least the convenience of that friendship. When people know that you may not be there in a few months, you may notice that some don't believe your friendship is worth the investment. Your true friends, however, will continue to spend time with you, keeping you around even if you may be less available to 'hang out' in the coming months, years, etc.

True friendship can survive many things, one of which is distance, another is romance, and the most important is probably growth. Distance is probably the easiest to overcome, a call here and there, a postcard, birthday card, etc. Not a lot of effort is needed to keep a long distance friendship in tact. Pre-moving is much more difficult. People can feel jealous you are moving on with your life, or saddened that you are leaving, or sometimes they just have a 'Come to Jesus' moment and realize maybe they weren't that great of friends with you in the first place, but it was convenient while you were here.

Romance doesn't have to be difficult, but the challenges you can face when you or your friend starts dating someone depend entirely on a) you b) them c) your relationship with them d) their relationship with their romantic partner. Good friends are happy for their friends if they are in a positive relationship. Good friends are still able to balance their love life and their friends in a way that treats both parties with respect. As long as the relationship with your friend is based on trust, respect, etc. there should be no problems in the future unless that person has a negative relationship with their romantic partner.

The best way to 'be there' for your friend is to do just that. I've learned from Sex and the City that romantic advice is the worst kind of advice you can offer. Your friend had a horrible fight wth her boyfriend, she's hurt, she's crying, she's pissed. She says he did x, y, & z and you say he's a bastard. Less than a week later they're back together, she's in love and can't live without him. Now you're the bitch. Better to just be there as a springboard for her to vent than to offer any romantic advice. While it might be a 'cop out' you have to remember that this is probably still in the heat of the moment. Your friend is angry and hurt and not thinking rationally. Even if what the guy did was awful, it's always exaggerated a thousand times when there hasn't been any time to think, breathe and just be. In addition, it's my opinion that when guys do shitty things but their girlfriend usually rolls over and lets them get away with it they already have the skill set to talk their way back into their hearts and out of the dog house.

Personal growth is the hardest obstacle to overcome in friendship. Ok, I lied, your friend sleeping with your boyfriend/fiance/husband or father is probably the hardest thing to overcome right up there with your friend murdering a member of your family or robbing you. So it's not the hardest thing to overcome, but it's the hardest thing to overcome that 99% of us will face. The others can sort their stories out on Maury.

The reason I believe personal growth is one of the harder obstacles to overcome, is because it pushes to the forefront any underlying issues that exist. I'm not saying a friend can't be happy for another friend. I'm saying that personal growth is probably the best way to distinguish friends from frenemies. While it is normal to feel a slight pang of jealousy when another succeeds in life. What's not normal is sabotaging or diminishing your friends. I can honestly say I have been a frenemy to as many times as I have been on the receiving end. I can also say with my real friendships there's nothing but joy for my friend's successes. It's the people who treat me poorly that I in turn end up treating poorly. I'm not saying that's any justification for my behavior but that it's not hard to behave well when relationships are genuine.

True friendship can survive almost everything. Genuine relationships can bring out the best in us not the worst. Letting go of bad relationships isn't about admitting defeat or even about not caring about the other person. Letting go is about choosing to love yourself, choosing to engage in respectful, beneficial relationships only. Sometimes there is just too much damage, too much hurt & more than likely too filled with poor behavior & patterns.

- XoXo Courtney

No Offense

I hate this phrase more than any other phrase in the world. This phrase isn't vulgar, it's not derogatory, there's no stereotypes or prejudice in it. It's two words that offend me more than anything else and here's why.

The phrase: No Offense.

I have found that if you are saying something that isn't offensive, then you will never need to say no offense. And if you are saying something offensive and you say this, it's the biggest cop out of all time. It's saying something hurtful but not owning up to it, stirring the pot without offering suggestion. This single phrase allows people to speak their mind and hurt others without taking responsibility for their words. You say something hurtful, mean, offensive. But, you say no offense at the end of the sentence. Now you're just stating something but you don't mean any harm by it, even if it's harmful. So you don't have to take responsibility for those words, in other words that person can't get upset with you for hurting them. Now what you've done here is hurt someone but remove yourself from the blame and put it squarely on that person. If they get upset they're being irrational because you clearly stated that there was no malice in you saying this. But that's not entirely true, this statement alone has let you wash the blood from your hands but you're still the culprit. You've done the damage but come off innocent and even the victim if confrontation arises afterwards because you cleared yourself by stating that you were offering up an observation or a fact, not an opinion, not an accusation - claiming nothing on yourself.

Now I have been struggling with a person who ALWAYS clears themselves of blame and states no offense all the time. They always end up looking like the good guy and that they don't do anything hurtful. Unfortunately that's not the case. This type of person is the biggest coward. They say what they want without having to deal with any repercussions. In my opinion they have no backbone, they have no character and they are basically weak.....No offense.


- XoXo Courtney