A Thank You Long Overdue

I often talk about how life has taken me down an interesting pathway and though I've lost friends along the way, I can't regret the choices I've made. I stand by that statement, except for one person. It's been over two years since I have last spoken to a former friend and I often wish I had done things differently. I've gone through phases of making excuses about why our friendship ended, blamed myself, blamed everything out there; and after two years I've finally figured out why everything happened.

The background:
My brother was my best friend, it felt like we were a team and I was always so proud to be his little sister. Growing up in a family where I was the youngest by years, I loved my oldest brother and older sister, but there was such an age difference that they were more like siblings than friends. As the years go by and I get less annoying (i.e. older) we've gotten closer, but my brother Colin was my best friend growing up, and everyone knew that. When Colin became estranged with our family I can't say it felt like a piece of me died or that things would never be right again, it just set forward into motion a series of events that would take me a long time to recover from.

My senior year I found myself at odds with my father about moving back to Colorado, binge drinking three to four nights a week, sleeping through classes and unmotivated to do anything. But people thought I was fun. When the year ended and I was done with St. Thomas, reality set in. Trying to find a job as a Psych major was downright hard. I worked at Club Monaco to pay for the bills, fought with my parents almost constantly, got into some debt, continued to party, and just was on a downward trajectory. The place I worked made me feel like I was ugly and fat, which only further contributed to how badly I felt about my current situation. So I drank.

Somewhere along the line I stopped drinking as much, stopped going out as often, and stopped being that person who laughes the loudest and is excited about doing things. Somewhere along the line, I went from living my life out of control, to barely living. I had no energy, I was a negative person, a shell of a person that I once was. The problem with being situationally depressed is that you think that you're doing a good job of managing it. You think 'Well, this really sucks right now but I'll get myself out of this soon.' and you honestly believe that your friends know what you're going through even though you tell them nothing. You start to say no to going out and soon after your friends no longer ask you.

I had a friend, a best friend even, who avoided confrontation like the plague. Not that she was afraid of confrontation, just that she believed there were more pleasant ways for things to get taken care of. One night we went out for dinner and she told me she was worried about me, she thought I needed to seek help, and that she missed the old me. When you're in survival mode and someone you love lets you know you're not fooling anyone it's a shock to the system, and not the good kind. It's not the self-examing kind that kicks your butt into gear, it's the kind that makes you resent the person who told you the very advice you needed to hear. It took me well over two years to realize this, two years to finally be grateful for the advice.

That conversation was the beginning of the end of our friendship. I began to resent my friend and became even more depressed. I'd then spend another year in a worse situation than the one I was already currently in. Being baited and switched by my former employer/landlord into a housing situation that was not financially feasible for me made climbing out of the hole I was in at that time near impossible. It's been a year since I've lived there and the financial reprocussions are still taking a toll on me, I'm still digging my way out but I'm almost there. And I'm proud of myself for doing it on my own.

Last year while I was slowly beginning the healing process I found something I loved. While running a website took all my time and energy, I buried myself in it anyway. Hockey was my healing process, the thing I needed to let take over my life to finally get back to being me. I started being more like my old self, going to concerts by myself if no one cared to go, meeting up with friends, traveling the country, being adventurous. It was slowly starting to feel normal again, despite various other speed bumps along the way.

Finally this Spring something changed. My mother reached out to my estranged brother and his wife. The communication was slow but optimistic. Looking back at the entire situation that led to estrangement, it all seems so trivial compared to the joy of family but at the time felt larger than life. Hindsight isn't 20/20, it's about looking at things with a fresh perspective, from outside the situation rather than in the midst of the chaos. And hindsight told my mother that she needed to reach out. And soon she sent me emails that made me cry, emails of her communication with my brother and his wife and how much my brother missed me. Just as much as I missed him, but the embarrassment kept him from reaching out. I've taken a lot of heat from family members who don't believe I should even let my brother back into my life, but they don't know what I've gone through these past six years. And they really don't know how instrumental this has all been to getting me back to being me.

This past July marked a change in my life when it felt like I wasn't pretending to be happy any longer, but was actually really happy. My loud laugh often fills the room I'm in, my sarcasm is back in full force and there's somewhat of a spring in my step. I finally feel like me again, but there's still something missing. I never got to apologize to my friend who loved me enough to tell me she was concerned. The friend I thanked by being an awful friend, pushing her away and ignoring her advice.

Lizzy Freeman, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you voiced your concern. I miss you every single day.

Gym Membership? Fuel up with BOGO at Punch

The one time a gym membership would have served me well. As someone who refuses to pay the start up and administration fees, I've avoided gym memberships, choosing to walk around Lake Harriet, doing Pilates courses or grabbing Groupons for gym classes with no commitment. It appears my counterparts who thrive on attending the gym benefit from this one (though I'll use the money saved on avoiding said start up and administration fees to buy a pizza or two.)

August 22nd - August 24th if you purchase one pizza and show your gym membership, Punch will give you a second pizza for free.

Of course the usual rules and regulations apply, pizza purchased must be greater or equal value to the one being received for free.

My Food Revolution: Easy Caprese

There are times when nothing sounds better than sitting down in front of the television and popping a snack while mindlessly watching whatever is on at the moment. But snacking doesn't have to be filled with processed foods that are bad for you, so here's another new and incredibly simple snack to try. The same friend who introduced me to the 'Italian Style Salad' made these for the appetizer. So have at it, and don't tell me you didn't try it because it was too difficult to make!

Easy Caprese:

1 toothpick

1 Cherry Tomato
1 Basil leaf
1 Mozzarella ball

*Repeat
**If you're feeling adventuresome drizzle a little Extra Virgin Olive Oil and a dash of salt and pepper.

My Food Revolution: Three Month Anniversary

When I first started down the road to eat healthy and live better I didn't know what I was embarking on was a 'Clean Food' diet. Well this isn't a fad for me, this is a lifestyle change, meant for the long haul. I stand here before you three months into my journey with new perspective, tidbits and even more recipes to share. I've read interesting books, watched startling documentaries and ultimately changed the way I view the world, food, and my health. I've lost weight, both emotional and physical and feel content for the first time in a long time. I'm taking care of me, cooking, cleaning, working out all because I made one decision: eat healthy.

Every day it gets easier to eat healthy, not to say there aren't days where I just want to order take out and veg out, but if I do it's a special occasion and I better be hitting the gym extra hard the following day. Finding a balance for you is the most important thing. I've always been an 'all or nothing' type of personality, when I work out, I work out hard. When I get off the exercise train I don't think you could motivate me to just go for a walk. If I do, the next thing you know I'm running the following day, expecting to do a 5k effortlessly. It's who I am. So when I made the change to 'slowly remove processed foods from my life and document that journey' I should have known better. I threw out fast food and soda in the first week. Processed foods the following week. I never do anything the easy way, but it was my way and I have found balance along the way.

Finding motivation in others, in the media is easy if you know where to look. Watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution as well as NBC's The Biggest Loser and ABC's Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition are constant reminders to me that every time I take a bite of food I am making a decision about my health. Every time I purchase organic, locally grown food I am spending money to support them and money against the giants like Monsanto who care more about profit than consumer health. Every Tuesday I watch Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition before heading down to the gym. There doesn't seem to be an excuse in the world that can stop me after watching how eating your emotions and being sedentary can destroy your life. It's pretty easy to stay motivated while eating at home or being in control of where I go out to eat, but life isn't always that easy.

Last month I went out to Happy Hour (HH) with my coworkers. Many of my coworkers know that I've radically changed my diet and thus were giving me a hard time when I showed up, had one cocktail (well half of one) and ate some of the food that was there. I talked about it with my Mom beforehand, and I figured it would be my one treat as it was for socializing purposes and not a daily occurrence. The food didn't have the same hold on me, I wasn't mindlessly eating it and the following day my stomach hurt. Not to mention that after I got home I was hungry again, I forgot how unsatisfying garbage is for you. Now whenever I'm tempted to eat something on my old diet I know without a doubt that I'd be much happier with making my own meal. What a difference three months makes.

Word of the Day

Every day I receive a made up 'Word of the Day' abbreviated WOTD on Twitter from my friend Mark Willoughby over at The View From 111 blog. I asked him if I could catalog them, as I wanted to keep track of them. he gave me the go ahead so please enjoy the genius that is my friend Mark. And if you are on Twitter, be sure to follow Mark here.


If you use these WOTD in a post or whatever else, please credit Mark as they are his intellectual property. Thank you!

My Food Revolution: Grilled Stuffed Zucchini Rolls

I find my inspiration for new recipes from many places, most of which do not come from the internet. Childhood meals, digging through my cabinet for anything that could be thrown together and most recently celebrity inspired. In an issue of US Weekly they showed what 'diets' certain celebrities partake in and two of which I was most intrigued with used food services to cook and send their fresh food so they never had to lift a finger. Certainly makes dieting easier.

As a source of inspiration I turned Sunfare and checked out what they had on their menu. Several items caught my attention, and here is one of them. From Sunfare's 'Signature Diet' menu the Grilled Stuffed Zucchini Rolls.

Grilled Stuffed Zucchini Rolls

Slice Zucchini about 1 cm thick the long way

Grill on both sides until fully cooked

Place a small scoop of herbed Goat Cheese in the middle

Roll up - use toothpicks to hold the ends together if necessary

My Food Revolution: Traditional Caprese

When my parents came back from Italy they could not stop talking about how they loved Caprese and ate it everywhere they went. When they came to visit they made the dish as an appetizer and I too fell in love with its rich flavor. It's easy to make and the ingredients are all great for you. We may not be in Rome, but let's do as the Romans do!

Traditional Caprese:Ripe Tomatoes
Fresh Mozzerella
Fresh Basil diced
Balsamic Vinaigrette
Slice the tomatoes and the cheese. Please the tomato on the bottom topped by the slice of fresh mozzerella. Stick in the oven until warm. Sprinkle fresh diced basil on top and pour Balsmic Vinaigrette over. I recommend eating with a fork and knife.