A Thank You Long Overdue

I often talk about how life has taken me down an interesting pathway and though I've lost friends along the way, I can't regret the choices I've made. I stand by that statement, except for one person. It's been over two years since I have last spoken to a former friend and I often wish I had done things differently. I've gone through phases of making excuses about why our friendship ended, blamed myself, blamed everything out there; and after two years I've finally figured out why everything happened.

The background:
My brother was my best friend, it felt like we were a team and I was always so proud to be his little sister. Growing up in a family where I was the youngest by years, I loved my oldest brother and older sister, but there was such an age difference that they were more like siblings than friends. As the years go by and I get less annoying (i.e. older) we've gotten closer, but my brother Colin was my best friend growing up, and everyone knew that. When Colin became estranged with our family I can't say it felt like a piece of me died or that things would never be right again, it just set forward into motion a series of events that would take me a long time to recover from.

My senior year I found myself at odds with my father about moving back to Colorado, binge drinking three to four nights a week, sleeping through classes and unmotivated to do anything. But people thought I was fun. When the year ended and I was done with St. Thomas, reality set in. Trying to find a job as a Psych major was downright hard. I worked at Club Monaco to pay for the bills, fought with my parents almost constantly, got into some debt, continued to party, and just was on a downward trajectory. The place I worked made me feel like I was ugly and fat, which only further contributed to how badly I felt about my current situation. So I drank.

Somewhere along the line I stopped drinking as much, stopped going out as often, and stopped being that person who laughes the loudest and is excited about doing things. Somewhere along the line, I went from living my life out of control, to barely living. I had no energy, I was a negative person, a shell of a person that I once was. The problem with being situationally depressed is that you think that you're doing a good job of managing it. You think 'Well, this really sucks right now but I'll get myself out of this soon.' and you honestly believe that your friends know what you're going through even though you tell them nothing. You start to say no to going out and soon after your friends no longer ask you.

I had a friend, a best friend even, who avoided confrontation like the plague. Not that she was afraid of confrontation, just that she believed there were more pleasant ways for things to get taken care of. One night we went out for dinner and she told me she was worried about me, she thought I needed to seek help, and that she missed the old me. When you're in survival mode and someone you love lets you know you're not fooling anyone it's a shock to the system, and not the good kind. It's not the self-examing kind that kicks your butt into gear, it's the kind that makes you resent the person who told you the very advice you needed to hear. It took me well over two years to realize this, two years to finally be grateful for the advice.

That conversation was the beginning of the end of our friendship. I began to resent my friend and became even more depressed. I'd then spend another year in a worse situation than the one I was already currently in. Being baited and switched by my former employer/landlord into a housing situation that was not financially feasible for me made climbing out of the hole I was in at that time near impossible. It's been a year since I've lived there and the financial reprocussions are still taking a toll on me, I'm still digging my way out but I'm almost there. And I'm proud of myself for doing it on my own.

Last year while I was slowly beginning the healing process I found something I loved. While running a website took all my time and energy, I buried myself in it anyway. Hockey was my healing process, the thing I needed to let take over my life to finally get back to being me. I started being more like my old self, going to concerts by myself if no one cared to go, meeting up with friends, traveling the country, being adventurous. It was slowly starting to feel normal again, despite various other speed bumps along the way.

Finally this Spring something changed. My mother reached out to my estranged brother and his wife. The communication was slow but optimistic. Looking back at the entire situation that led to estrangement, it all seems so trivial compared to the joy of family but at the time felt larger than life. Hindsight isn't 20/20, it's about looking at things with a fresh perspective, from outside the situation rather than in the midst of the chaos. And hindsight told my mother that she needed to reach out. And soon she sent me emails that made me cry, emails of her communication with my brother and his wife and how much my brother missed me. Just as much as I missed him, but the embarrassment kept him from reaching out. I've taken a lot of heat from family members who don't believe I should even let my brother back into my life, but they don't know what I've gone through these past six years. And they really don't know how instrumental this has all been to getting me back to being me.

This past July marked a change in my life when it felt like I wasn't pretending to be happy any longer, but was actually really happy. My loud laugh often fills the room I'm in, my sarcasm is back in full force and there's somewhat of a spring in my step. I finally feel like me again, but there's still something missing. I never got to apologize to my friend who loved me enough to tell me she was concerned. The friend I thanked by being an awful friend, pushing her away and ignoring her advice.

Lizzy Freeman, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you voiced your concern. I miss you every single day.

My Top 27 Songs - Part Two

Sometimes picking a song is so easy - you know where you were when you heard it for the first time or when it finally clicked. Or maybe it's a lyric or a sentiment you share, something that connects you to the song. But other songs, they're more difficult. Yes you like the lyric, but why does it speak to you? Maybe the song just makes you happy no matter what is going on with your life and you turn to it whenever you're down but you never realized it before. The associations we have with music are strong and complex, and the reason behind picking a song isn't as straightforward as I once thought. So here's the second part of my top 27 songs, tomorrow will round it out.

Augustana - Boston

I remember when I first heard this song, and when I had to give up free concert tickets to their show to cover a shift for a coworker. I absolutely love Augustana, their music is light, sweet and fun. This song is the song that introduced most people to their music, their breakthrough hit. I love the piano arrangement and my favorite part of this song comes at 1:54 in the song. It's for anyone who has ever wanted a do over, though most of us are too scared to ever follow through. When I finally saw Augustana play live it was at the Basilica Block Party - we got caught in the downpour and I was sick for weeks afterwards, but it was so worth it. The picture to the right was pre-rainstorm.

Michael Jackson - Billie Jean
Michael Jackson may have been crazy or misunderstood or sad or genius depending on who you ask. But whatever your personal opinion of him might have been there's no denying his musical talent. This album is filled with amazing songs yet Billie Jean is the one that I love the most. Thriller, while great, gives me slight anxiety at not being able to dance the dance and thus often do not participate on the dance floor when it comes on. Billie Jean, on the other hand, is perfect for rocking out on the dance floor with your friends. Growing up my Dad lived in Merville, IN and during his summers home from the College of St. Thomas he worked in the steel mills. He actually worked with Joe Jackson and when Joe was bragging about his kids all of Joe's friends used to tell him that his kids weren't talented and would be going nowhere.


Tim McGraw - Where the Green Grass Grows
I have such a love for this song and out of all the country songs I have this is the one that makes me smile no matter what. Back in high school I discovered country music my Senior year. It was actually Tim McGraw's song 'Something Like That' that I used to make fun of (until I heard the actual song and not just a clip that is) and his other song 'I Like It, I Love It' that had me wandering down the country path. And while I can think of plenty of other country songs that hold so many memories for me this is the only one that I sing along to without even thinking, push replay and think of first. Considering Tim McGraw was so integral in my discovering country music it just seemed odd not to have him on here. Go ahead, listen to this entire song and try not to smile, I dare you.


Queen - Somebody to Love
My favorite part of this song is the end, not that the song is over but the chanting 'Find me somebody to love' - it's a fun song that always has me singing. I know I listened to Queen growing up, my Dad was on a mission when I was younger to get the Billboard Top 10 hits for every year from the late 50s to the mid 80s. I remember searching for the years, the look on my Dad's face when he found it and how embarrassed I was when he shouted joyfully in a Blockbuster that he had 25 years of Rock and Roll Top Tens. But I loved those cds, and I would play them in our five disc cd changer on shuffle, trying to see if I knew the year the music was from. So when Anne Hathaway and Jesse McCartney redid it for Ella Enchanted I went to my iTunes and listened to the original. And when Glee did it last year I listened to all three versions. I love this song, and while I really do like the remakes, the original is just classic.

Simon and Garfunkel - Bridge Over Troubled Water
I love Simon and Garfunkel, they were always part of my childhood as my parents both loved them. As I went through my Pop phase I didn't listen to them as much; once I turned 21 and was in the bars my love for them was rekindled. I remember hearing Cecilia at Bootleggers one night. I knew it was the from the second the song started and once I got home I had to play all of their music. Like any artist there are songs you like but skip, songs you just skip and songs you need to listen to more than once. Bridge Over Trouble Water is so soothing it was always my favorite of all their music.

Don McLean - American Pie
I listened to this song all the time as a kid, my Dad used to tell me what the lyrics meant and how they referenced history and other songs. It's that song that is always kind of in the back of your head, you know you love it but its length can sometimes cause you to leave it off of your playlists. When I originally created this playlist I didn't instantly think of it but upon glancing at the music I had on my iPhone I added it immediately. I don't think there are lyrics that are better written, more meaningful, or as intricate as these.

The Beatles - Hey Jude
Why this song over other songs? How many other songs can have the first three minutes be about going for it in a relationship and then at the 3:00 mark use only the words 'better, hey, Jude, na, yeah' and still keep you listening the rest of the remaining 4:02 of the song? None. The Beatles are unparalleled in their music, period. Quite simply put, I love this song because The Beatles CAN do what they want and it's still amazing. They've proven they can have a song that's 2:05 and be perfectly succinct in Yesterday and then they can have a song that's 7:02 and have more than half of the song without real lyrics, yet few people press skip after the first three minutes.

Don Henley - The Heart of the Matter
I always knew this song, but never really paid attention. Then Sex and the City the movie came out and India Arie redid it, it was interesting but it sent me digging into my iTunes library looking for the original. Later I would lose a few relationships and there was a lyric in this song that always stuck with me. Something that reminded me to remember the good times with a smile as well as to be thankful the relationship ended because it obviously wasn't good for either party involved. That lyric? 'There are people in your life who've come and gone. They've let you down, you know they hurt your pride. You better put it all behind you babe, because life goes on. You keep carrying that anger, it will eat you up inside.'

Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
There are so many fun memories associated with this song for me, whether it's the first time I heard it or the Mountain Dew commercial that emulated it this song is iconic. The reason it's on here is because of Shout House and a former friend. We were at Shout House for our roommate's birthday and the two were feuding (who knows why) we were standing with two guy friends when this song came on. My two guy friends and I started singing, she stood there quiet. We all looked at her incredulously, she had never heard the song before. I gave her such grief for it and even worse when she told people I was making fun of her for not knowing the song 'Bombs Over Baghdad'. Yep, that's what she called this song, and hearing it today just brings fresh that memory of fun times Senior year of college with friends, and how much fun you can have with your friends with a drink in your hand and some classic rock blaring.

The Lost Art of Mail

It's been awhile since I've received an electronic e-greeting and other than my new Canadian friend and fellow Chick Sarah, it's been awhile since I've received a piece of mail. It started a few years back, when Facebook wasn't open to the general public and Twitter was just startng up. It is a slow change in the lack real connections to that of the digital world. Instead of sending a card people started sending e-cards. Then those died out as Facebook fanatics started posted well wishes on the wall, first fighting for the first 'Happy Birthday' to missing the birthday by a day and sending a belated post to finally not acknowledging that person's birthday at all.

Technology was created to make our lives more simple, to allow for instant contact with friends and family in different places. In my personal experience there are now individuals who cannot function without technology in their everyday livelihood including their jobs. There are companies that rely so heavily on technology that a snowstorm or power outage leaves the entire workforce isolated and unable to complete anything. People rarely call anymore; voicemails are considered a grave offense and most households couldn't find their book of stamps if it were a life or death situation.

I'm not against technology by any means, I love new tech trends and all the wonderful new toys they bring. I am, however, making a real effort to inject human interaction back into my relationships that technology has stolen from me.

Two years ago I was in my own situation. It was most certainly not life or death, but it felt like hell at the time it was happening. So many things going on in my life that I had absolutely no control over. Family stuff reaching a boiling point after going through four years of hurt and suffering and work stuff not happening the way I had hoped. I remember feeling utterly defeated, run down and just plain sad. I had bailed on my friends Katy and Brittany to get together because I was just too exhausted to go out. In fact, I was downright negative and stubborn when they wanted to get together. I felt awful about it afterwards, knowing they had only wanted to take my mind off of things and help. I went to work the following day and in my boss' mailbox were two envelopes addressed to me. I opened the envelopes to find hand written cards inside. Brittany and Katy each sent me a card telling me everything would work out. They were there for me and if I ever needed to go out for a drink, to vent, or just watch Friends in my pjs with a friend, they were there. I started crying at work. I tucked their cards into my gold wallet clutch and they remain there still today. Whenever I have a bad day or feel like luck is not on my side I open my wallet and read their kind words. I'll never forget how much I needed that pick me up that defeated day or what it meant to me then and what it still means to me now.

So the next time you go to send a text message or email, think about sending a hand written note instead. While I may save a kind email it usually ends up on page 59 of my inbox. Cards, on the otherhand, are placed in a special spot and revisited often.

Diamonds WERE a Girl's Best Friend

I dislike the saying "Diamonds are a girl's best friend". While I appreciate and covet diamonds I'd hardly call them a friend let alone a best friend. Friendship is supposed to be based on wonderful qualities like supportiveness, caring for one another, trust, fun, etc.

So why is it that girls get stuck with diamonds? While pretty to look at and wonderful to have it paints the picture that women care more about status, material goods and shallow relationships. How do you deduce this you might ask. Well I'd tell you that a diamond can't hold you hair after too many drinks because your one true love left you for another woman. And diamonds can't call you to tell you their juicy gossip or big news. But more importantly because diamonds can't love you back.

Men are lucky, they get dogs as their best friend. Now you may say well Courtney dogs can't hold your hair or gossip with you and to that I have an answer. Every dog owner I know has had a horrible thing happen to them at least once. And most will cry and reject the comfort of any friend. Nearly every dog owner I know tells me their pet came to their side and put their head on their lap and just stayed there.

It may not be holding back hair but it is full and unconditional support. I've had pets protect me when scared, comfort me when sick and love me when sad. No questions asked and never an eye rolled. Never wondering if they wish they were somewhere else or that I wasn't being so pathetic. Just true, non-judging unconditional love. Sure beats a diamond out any day of the week to me.

I have a theory; most dog owners agree with it but we may be biased. My theory is that as many people before me have stated the Dog is God spelt backwards; a reflection of God. This may be lofty but I truly believe a dog's love for his or her owner is similar to God's love for us.

Hold up you say. How dare I compare one of God's creatures to him and it not be a human. I get it, I respect it, but from what I have been taught about God's love it is more similar to a dog's love than it will ever be to ours.

God's love is unconditional. So is our parents you say. True, parents have every intention of loving us unconditionally. But as with any human relationship there will be hurt, lies and even betrayal in their lives, our lives and even our relationships. Even though our parents try to love us no matter what it is never as perfect as God's. We say mean and hurtful things or do things and that love shifts slightly. Wow I sound like love is awful. But it's not. Human love is complicated, requires work and is far from perfect.

Now let's talk about God's love. God's love is simple. He loves us despite our sins, because we all sin. He loves us when we hurt him, deny him, etc. He loves us all the same, even though we are unworthy of that love. God's love just is. Never faltering, always forgiving; it is completely different from human love.

Dogs are more like God than most people think. To paraphrase Marley & Me a dog doesn't care if you are a brain surgeon or a carpet salesman. Dogs don't care if they have the latest and greatest toys, leashes, bowls, bed, etc. They get excited when you come home or rub their belly. They get excited to go on walks or in the car. Most like when you throw their ball. Doesn't sound materialistic or greedy at all. You can yell at a dog for misbehaving and the very next day it still gets just as excited when you walk in the door from work.

Dogs love just is. They love us despite the fact tht we've gained five pounds or hog the remote. They love us even if we snore or talk too much. They don't mind our embarrassing jokes or bad humor. They'll watch our chick flicks and let us dress them up in hideous clothing or paint their nails. Dogs are easy going. Love for a dog is simple. They just do it. They don't know how not to love us unconditionally. Just like God.

And I'm Back

My apologies for being away from the technological world for so long. I've been very busy getting my life ready to move to Minneapolis' Uptown.

So I've been cleaning out my room/apartment and trying to sort my life out at the same time. I've gotten advice for all sorts of people with very different viewpoints throughout the year, and I've come to some conclusions finally.

The past year I've struggled with confrontation and addressing people if they are hurting me, annoying me, etc. I've been told by some friends I need to address every issue to avoid it from happening in the future. I've been told by some friends to pick my battles, that every issue is not worth discussing. And I have obviously heard from some friends to just 'get over it'. I finally asked my mom about it. That's a lie. I was complaining to her about a situation and that I didn't know what to do. She told me to 'grow up' and get over it. That I should become better at confronting people but that I have to also realize that doesn't just 'poof' solve problems. Because not only are people sensitive to being criticized but some behaviors are so deep (20 some years of a habit) that me saying it bothers me will not necessarily make it change. That part of being an adult is not only asking people to change, be willing to change yourself, and be able to understand that some things just won't change no matter how many times it is discussed. So now I've decided new city, new start. I'm picking my battles and little things are not going to bother me anymore. Big things = discussion. Otherwise time to live and let go.

The next lesson I've learned has been more second hand. There has been a lot of heartache, death, sickness, trouble in my loved ones' lives lately. There are a few phrases that have stuck with me whenever I'm in a spot where I feel like it's hard to go on. The first is "Tough times don't last, tough people do." What goes up must go down. But what goes down must come back up. The person I'm most impressed with has been a friend of mine. The same friend who's sister had trouble, then her aunt found out she has breast cancer and the day of the procedure her uncle found out he had testicular cancer. She recently suffered a bad break up sort of thing and rebounded less than 24 hours later. I thought it might take weeks but as I told her what my mother told me, "Life is shit and it doesn't get any easier. It's tough day in and day out. The difference is we learn how to deal with it better." It's true - life isn't about to get any easy, so we can either let it break us down or we can figure out a way to go mano a mano with it. The good news is that we can equip ourselves with good friends, good shoes, retail therapy, vacations and most importantly Ben & Jerry's. So if life isn't where you want it to be right now the good news is that it's more in your hands than you realize, and the even better news is that sooner or later it will get better.

The last thing I have realized is there are always people out there who are going to try and make you feel bad about yourself so they can feel good about themselves. The bad news is that these people are not just enemies, they are also acquaintences, friends, or what one might call a friend. It might be hard to spot them at first, because sometimes they can appear to be great people but over time they will slowly attack you. First it will be a snide comment here, a condescending remark there and grow to criticizing you in public, insulting you, etc. And you'll find yourself in an odd position, because first your feelings, self-esteem, etc will take a huge hit. Then you'll start to question why you are friends with the person, and then you'll ask yourself what they bring to the friendship. My friend Lindsey told me to ask myself a question whenever I am questioning a friendship whether at work, at home, or from Colorado. I have a lot of nice friends, although sometimes they aren't always nice to me. And Lindsey told me that nice is overrated. And if everyone else thinks they're nice than everyone else can be friends with them, but I don't have to be. I found that to be very interesting and insightful. She said to question what are they bringing to the table, a thought we're taught since we are young is selfish and rude. But she said at the end of the day everyone is looking out for #1, and if I'm looking out for other people I'm going to be the only one with my back not covered.

So hopefully my lessons learned are some you have learned, are learning or can learn about through my trials and tribulations. I plan on being on here a lot more often come move in day!

Boobie Blucy

Minneapolis gave the world one of my favorite meals. No I'm not referring to Goulash (appetizing name, huh?) But rather the fine delicacy known as the Juicy Lucy. Two bars lay claim to the Juicy Lucy - Matt's & 5-8 bar. And while I have not had the pleasure of sampling either - my first Juicy Lucy was at a local favorite in Saint Paul - The Groveland Tap, or more affectionately known as The Tap. It was good, but I wasn't that impressed.

Fast forward a few months and I'm with a friend at the Blue Door for dinner. The Blue Door is a cute little hole in the wall pub on Selby & Fairview. The dinner rush was spectacular - it was impossible to grab a seat. When we finally got to eat I had the Bacon Juicy Lucy & it was divine.

Saturday after Sara Bareilles, we hit up the Blue Door for some post concert food. What we found was a little slice of heaven on Earth. From May 1st - May 10th The Blue Door was offering what they cleverly referred to as Boobie Blucy's. What this deal entailed was $6 for two mini Blucy burgers with fries or tots. $3 was donated to the Susan G. Komen foundation for the fight against breast cancer. And while the deal is no longer happening, I like to support compaies that support a cause greater than themselves.

So if you are out in Saint Paul and looking for a killer Juicy Lucy try the Blucy Lucy - in between the burger are Bleu Cheese crumbles & chopped garlic. Like I said, a little piece of heaven. The tots are phenom as well. For more information check out the website here, and make sure to ask to join the club - try all the Blue Door's Juicy Lucy's and you get a free t-shirt.

Sara Bareilles

Saturday night I met up with Lindsay & Caleb & we decided to attend UST's free Spring Jam concert. The artist? Sara Bareilles - I had the pleasure of experiencing her open for Maroon 5 as well as The Hives (who were awful by the way - the lead singer shouted the entire time & swung his microphone until it broke) and after she performed she met with fans. Well I was with Jon and I dragged him up tot he beer line and to meet Sara. We took a picture with her and she was super nice. I told her how much I disliked the other band and wished that she had more time to perform more songs because she was amazing live. She laughed it off, I mean, I was insulting her tourmates. And we were pretty stoked.

Fast forward a few months and Love Song is HUGE. A few more months and Bottle It Up was just as big of a hit. I was pretty stoked we got to meet her - but I didn't know when we'd be able to see her again. Ryan told us of the free concert that happened to be outdoors, so we went. There were maybe 100-200 kids there and I am almost sure I was the oldest 20 something there (there was a set of parents which was odd but whatever) and I definitely felt it.

Oh to be at UST again where the guys are d-bags and under 6'0" and the girls wear so much make up it's caked on and orange. Not to mention the curls that are hairsprayed so not a chance of a a strand moving lest a tornado show up. Well Sara came on and she was hilarious, charismatic and amazing live. She sounded a billion times better than on her album - she had soul & she made each song her own. I have a huge amount of respect for her, especially after the incident. She bounced back really well, but you could tell from her reaction she was a genuine person and would never say anything to offend anyone.

About thirty minutes after the cocnert - Caleb, Lindsay & I waited to meet her. And low and behold she turned up and signed autographes and took pictures. We talked about me meeting her before and she was super cool about it. She even remembered (as I'm sure ti's not easy to forget the person who slanders your tourmates.) We left pretty giddy. Caleb even got his iPhone cover signed by her.

And so I'm encouraging you to go out and buy her album - my three favorites are Vegas, One Sweet Love & Many The Miles. Though it was pretty cool to have us sing the chorus of Love Song. And even cooler to sing the chorus to Rihanna's Umbrella & U2's Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. By the way, I knew I was old when in the middle of the song a kid behind me said, "Is this sung by U2?!?!?" After she dedicated the song to Bono and told a story about U2. Idiots. Then again, I was the only person in the crowd around me at the Excel who recognized In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins & Genesis when Adam Lavine sang it. It's always nice to have a musical education - so thanks Dad!

Boston Scientific 5K

In my attempt to train for a 10K this summer in Milwaukee, I have decided to also participate in a 5K for Boston Scientific this summer in Minneapolis at Lake Nokomis. Don't get me wrong, I do not like running. I do it because my pants don't fit and I eat unhealthy amounts of butter. Otherwise, I wouldn't run unless something was chasing me.

My dear friend Keri, errr Kara as others know her as, has recently invited me to gruel it out once a week with her at Como Park. There's a brief instruction by a fitness trainer at the beginning and then an hour and a half to train. We plan to yuck it up with gossip, girl talk, and just our thoughts. It's perfect because I still live in Saint Paul until May 30th, and then after that I can drive once a week to train and make myself somewhat less unhealthy.

For those of you who are unable to attend the weekly training session, try this wonderful website I was introduced to last week, it's called Runner's World which has information on anything you could ever want or need as a runner. Where to buy shoes, how to buy shoes, what shoes to buy. Where to train, how often to train, how long to train, and techniques to make you train better. It's a great resource for anyone in the running world, novice or expert.

For more information on the 5k & 10k on Lake Nokomis on July 25th, 2009 check out the website here!

San Antonio Bar Crawl Parts 1 & 2 2009

I'm no expert when it comes to bars in San Antonio, however, if you're going to visit there anytime soon, I'd love to give you some advice on where to go and where to avoid. Where there is cover, and how to avoid it.

San Antonio Bar Crawl 2009

The first stop on the list was Pat O'Brien's. He apparently invented the hurricane, and we paid the $5 (cash only) cover to get in. If you want to avoid that get there early as it is also a restaurant. We went on Wednesday night, so it was a $3 you call it. Patron? $3. Hurricane (HUGE) $4. The best part about this bar is that it's versatile. There was a piano lounge inside, a regular bar as well, a club type thing upstairs, and the coolest patio you've seen. The patio had a water fountain that had huge flames coming out of it. It kept you warm, but not too warm. And there was music playing, don't remember if it was life, but there was a microphone out there so I'm gonna assume it was.

The next stop was right next door at The Basement. The Basement was an interesting bar to say the least. Half of the bar was regular, typical bar. Darts, billards (or pool as the rest of us call it), just chill. Step into the other room and there is another bar, black lights everywhere, a dj mixing music and people dancing everywhere. It's great if half of your group wants to chill and the other half wants to dance like they're at a rage. They also have $3 you call it Wednesday nights.

Leapin' Lizards was our last stop on our pint sized bar crawl (hey be fair, we only had an hour and a half!) And it was a sight to be seen. There is an upstairs, but I'm pretty sure it's only a bathroom (which were interesting to say the least) and if that's not enough the people we met there were quite entertaining. There were 5 cop cars and a bunch of bicycle cops standing outside, so my guess is it's a place where the rowdy come to get even more rowdy.

Every place we went to in San Antonio we heard about 'Howl At The Moon'. The bus driver told us, the rowdy parent aged group behind us dinner were talking about how they got kicked out, and Lizzy's godmother told us we HAD to go there. We got free cover from Darryl at Rio Rio Cantina on the River Walk. However, Lizzy was going to get free cover for wearing her ridiculously big, fun colored sombrero. Once we were in there, it was a Shout House w/a nice big patio. The windows were opened, they had contests as to who could find the cheesiest song from the 80's for free shots for their group of friends. A mother did the hokey pokey with a kid my age and kind of molested him w/his clothes on. It was awkward, but in that really great sense of awkward, where you shake your head in embarrassment but can't look away. I'd definitely go back to this place above all others. Cover was also $5 but you can get $2 off if you are in the military.

Manicure & A Martini

What's better than a Happy Hour and a manicure? Hmmm, maybe a pedicure, but that requires too much equipment......

The ladies in marketing and promotions at the Hotel Minneapolis agree, drinks and manicures are the perfect fit. With most manicures costing $18 these days anyways, might as well get a drink to take the edge off the day AND some tasy food to absorb it.

Just think - gossip, girls, drinking and spa treatment all available at the Hotel Minneapolis every second Thursday of the month from 5 pm - 8 pm in the LB.

Stay the night for $99 with the Spring special. Extended Happy Hour, drink specials and hors d'oeuvres.

Make sure to reserve your spot at kao.yongvang@hilton.com.

We're going to try it in May, will you be joining us?

Asher Roth's Crazies

In my recent attempt to become more adventuresome and push myself outside my comfort zone, I decided to attend a young, male rapper concert last night. Mind you, he is white. My friend Linds had tickets and her friend couldn’t go. I agreed to help her move her television (yeah it was huge and we’re pretty bad a*%) and then go to the concert. The concert was at the Fine Line and it has a reputation for being a more intimate setting for a concert.

Me, being the awkward individual I am who has finally developed no care for what strangers think of me, went to the front of the stage before it was socially acceptable to try and get a front row spot. I did not care, as my friend Katy says, “I am not above it.” The doors opened at 9 and that should have been my first indication that this concert was maybe not the wisest decision I’ve ever made given it was being held on a Monday (work) night.

So we're waiting and nothing happens for an HOUR. And then a DJ plays tracks for AN HOUR. Now it's 11, you figure the dj is the special guest star, oh no, there is another HOUR of special guest star thugs. Then finally this kid comes on. And we all know how well I do at standing room only concerts. It has literally been three hours of crap and standing in the front row. I am tired, I am cranky, and I am in pain. I say to Linds, if this kid isn't good, I'm calling a cab home.

Turns out, Asher Roth was actually really good and really charismatic. And everything was going really well until the end because we met these guys at the concert and they provided a 'wall' around us where no one got through. The concert was fun, the music was great and I really enjoyed myself that last hour.

Then Asher went crowd surfing and this tall brunette (more like black hair and kind of thuggish) started trying to get closer to the stage throwing her elbows (which met my head) and shoving people so I turned around and told her to get off of me and pushed her. She did it again so I turned back around and was like seriously? You need to get off of me and pushed her again and then she grabbed my arm and then grabbed my neck and started choking me! The guy in between us starts pulling her off of me because I'm shocked, I've never been strangled/choked before. Not planning on having it done again either. Then I suddenly realize what's going on and I start fighting back and I reach up and kick her in the baby maker area, really hard and she gets all pissed. And by that time the guy in between us shoves her farther back and tells her to f***ing knock it off. Lindsay has turned around at that point (once I yelled get off of me and the girl started to choke me) and she is about to punch the girl.

My arm where she got a better grip on me is still sore from her, I haven't checked out my neck to see if it's bad but I doubt it. However, I have now been Chris Brown'd. If this is what more adventure in my life gets me, next time I'll stay home and watch television with the 'devil' (otherwise known as Chanel.)

Also, just a side note, but the kid in the picture is Asher Roth. Doesn't look like the kind that brings out the crazies, does he? I mean he's 140 lbs, get serious.

You Can't Take It With You...

My father is great at saving money, and like we’ve said before, me not so much. I have a shopping/spending problem.

But lately most of my ‘purchases’ have been on meals or concerts…things that drive my father crazy. Why go out to eat when you can eat in? Why go see someone live when you can listen to the cd? It never made sense to my father, and I get it. He’s about stability and providing for his wife, children and grandchild(ren). I, on the other hand, am still young and single. I get to be a little bit more selfish. I have no children or husband to care for.

Recently my friend’s family friend died. He was a doctor, very healthy never drank or smoke and he didn’t feel well and brought himself to the hospital. Two weeks later he was brain dead. She tells me, “You can’t take it with you.” I whole-heartedly agree. My equally intelligent money saving pal (the one who told me men love b*&^%es and how to shop at TJMaxx, Ross & Marshalls) tells me her boyfriend has everything so she can never find him the perfect gift but she can give him an experience.

I think that there is a balance that needs to be found. A balance between my father and his saving ways and my friends’ advice. That we should save so we can have those ‘experiences’ later on in life, but to remember to enjoy the experiences we can while we can. My friend told me, “God doesn’t promise tomorrow.” She’s right, we only have what’s here and now. It might not be equal in probability that we live or die each day, but I don’t know many people who say “Yeah, she lived just long enough.” But I do know people who made the most out of life and those who didn’t.

One of my favorite movies of all time has a quote and it goes a little something like this: “Either get busy living or get busy dying.”

Baggage Claim

I saw an amazing quote once on an AIM away message. And while I am skeptical of any away message wisdom, this one caught me off guard by its simplicity and its truth. "It doesn't matter if you've checked your baggage if you're still holding onto the claim ticket." I've done a lot of soul searching and questioning this past year and I think I finally understand humanity. Human beings are essentially a hurt pile of emotion looking for acceptance and validation wherever they will find it. And unfortunately we all still hold onto the hurt and rejection we've experienced over the years.

I know some will be skeptical of this viewpoint and say it's very pessimistic but I disagree with their claims of everything being wonderful and right. I look back at ALL of the fights I have had with my girlfriends, family, etc. and it all boils down to one thing, validation/acceptance.

My main problem when it comes to offending other people is that I expect everyone to know that they are always invited and always welcome. To me, friendship is about an all inclusive party where everyone can come together and enjoy the experience. There doesn't need to be RSVPs, emails, invitations (mind you I love to organize this way but just because you aren't on the email doesn't mean you are purposefully being excluded.) I have no problem with an extra friend or their friend coming along as long as there is enough time to plan out the important stuff i.e. reservations, food, tickets, etc. I also have no trouble asking if I may partake in an activity if I so choose to participate. I do need to realize that not everyone is as shameless and brazen as I can be.

What I've noticed to be the most hurtful thing in the world to people is exclusivity. You see people rearranging their entire lifestyles to be accepted to into the society they want to be a part of. Private school even if it costs you half your salary? You better believe if it will get Junior into the Ivy's many parents would stop at nothing to get it done. The problem with exclusivity in friendship is that it makes everyone around those two or three feel so inferior that they no longer wish to hang out with that clique. It doesn't matter the size of the group whether it's male, female or a combination of the two, the point is if you're creating this exclusivity you're making those around you feel insecure and unwanted. What does that matter to you? Those that you love and hang out with will make less and less effort to be around the exclusive group. You want to hang out with just each other? Fine because we're not going there. No one's self-esteem needs to take that big of a hit.

So my advice to anyone is that you may not realize it, but sometimes by creating little inside jokes and all other things we tend to do in close relationships can create tension. While it's fine to use your inside jokes when it's just the group with whom the inside joke belongs to, using them outside of that clique only serves to create insecurity, jealousy, and hurt.

Woof, Woof

A friend of mine recently started a dog-walking business in the Uptown area. If you have a four legged friend that could use some extra TLC during the work week be sure to check it out!! Her business is called Wagging Tails MN. Chanel uses her as a babysitter when I have to go someplace and she takes wonderful care of her. I would 100% completely satisfied recommend her to anyone in need of a dog walker or even pet sitter.

Are You There God? It's Me, Courtney

I was raised Roman Catholic, and while I am glad I was for the moral aspect, I am no longer practicing. What I've learned about prayer came more through experience and this email chain than anything else.

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.

If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.

In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. So, put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while."

In my life, I have been carrying an emotional burden for the past four years. And it has been a hard four years. Many other troubles entered my life, I believe it's because I was being weighed down by this burden. It wasn't until I met my friend Andrew who taught me how to pray. At first it sounded too simple. How could it even work? And then I tried it, and strangely I felt better. Now I don't know if there is a God or not, and that's not a debate I am ready to tackle. What I do know, is that even if there isn't one, praying to him lifts my burdens. My prayer is simple, it goes something like this.

"Dear God, the universe and spirits. Please give me the strength to get through this. I'm putting it out in the universe, I am asking you to help me carry it."

In many ways it reminds me of my favorite verse in the bible: "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

Queen Of Passive Aggressiva

Yesterday, my friend came over and was sick. The remedy? Dr. McDreamy, and lots of it. While watching the first season, all the hilarious quotes and moments came to mind and conversation. We exchanged quips about what was said, what was going to be said, and just in general laughed loudly.

Approaching the season finale, we knew Addison was coming. And although I hated Addison at the beginning, I grew to love her. One of my favorite lines that McDreamy ever said was to Addison. "There is a land called Passive Aggressiva and you are their Queen." Now if you know the show he is not one to talk. He could of told Meredith about being married several times but it was never mentioned. A little bit of the pot calling the kettle black.

Recently I've talked about trying to become more direct, and I am trying. It's slow at first, saying the little things that don't really hurt anyone's feelings and by saying them do no harm to relationships. And it was scary at first, but it's getting easier. However, there are always going to be a few people in your life that make being direct difficult. I can count those people on one hand, and I know exactly why I avoid the whole truth with them, they simply do not respond well.

These people are direct, they are honest, and they have no problem telling me what I am doing wrong. A prime example is my father. He is very honest, very direct, and I never am left guessing how my actions are affecting him. In every way my father is direct and forthright. However, when it comes to discussing things with him, I am less than direct. I avoid talking to him in general if not just about the subject.

Why is it that telling the most direct people the truth is harder than others? I think it has to do with the fact that most of these people are used to telling others exactly what's up. But I don't know if my father has had a lot of people serve him the same amount of honesty throughout his life that he delivers. I know for me, it's always difficult to hear the whole truth, but for someone who's used to delivering it, I fear it can be even harder. The reaction is not always pleasant and it seems that sometimes they are more sensitive to complete honesty than one would expect.

It's so much easier to be direct and tell the truth and understand it can be hard to swallow. But it's completely different hearing the whole truth, and sometimes hearing things you don't want to hear.

I guess my question is, how do you respond correctly to direct, open and honest conversations? I know that when I have been on the receiving end I usually smile awkwardly but inwardly feel like a beaten dog. Does it get easier when we get older or does age have nothing to do with it? Is it more about practice makes perfect?

Why Can't We Be Friends?

Yesterday I was watching Friends, one of my favorite television series, and it pained me that this scenario was pretty much impossible. Now I'm not talking about the great jobs, the great outfits or even the great apartments that they owned. What I'm referring to is the fact that guys and girls can be just friends.

I remember high school and my first year of college where I had equal guy friends and girl friends. It was refreshing! There was less cattiness and spending time with different groups of people with different interests kept things interesting.

My first year of college was at Colorado State University. And while I knew the college wasn't for me, they at least encouraged healthy opposite sex relationships. My sophomore year I moved to Minnesota to attend the University of St. Thomas. While it was a better fit for me academically and geographically speaking, it lacked something my public college had offered. At CSU I lived in the same hall, on the same floor, and even next door to guys. They saw us in our sweat pants, they saw us fight, they saw us sick and they saw us PMSing. It helped them understand females, and in all fairness, it helped us understand males. When I would get sick it wasn't my roommates or my suitemates that took care of me, it was Will and Todd, the two guys across the hall. They were both on the golf team and both transfers. They would periodically bring over otter pops, only the kinds I liked, already opened for me. Every time they went to the cafe they would bring up soup and crackers for me. They were great guys and I enjoyed my time with them. We discussed the weather, our hometowns, exes, it was an honest, healthy friendship. And I would say they were my favorite two people I met on that floor, just because I didn't expect to befriend them.

Fast forward a year and I'm at St. Thomas. I'm living in what alum call the virgin vault. When St. Thomas started it was an all boys school. When they finally allowed women to attend and live there, they were afraid for the women's safety. UST was one big frat house. To this day, men and women live in separate dorm halls. There are visitation hours. Even the two on campus apartments the floors are all boys or all girls. Which I never understood because there were a few handicapped males in wheelchairs who had to live on the second floor. In the case of a fire emergency that would make it difficult to get downstairs. But what do I know? In terms of male-female relations, I don't believe St. Thomas promoted healthy views of the opposite sex. Women went to class in high heels, short skirts, dressed to the nines with make up done like they were about to perform on Broadway. It was a totally different experience that I think was actually a negative experience.

I found it more difficult to make male friends, and the ones I did were in the Air Force, meaning after graduation I'd probably see them on the rare occasion they got to come back home. Men had this skewered idea of what women are really like, it was bizarre and in my opinion unhealthy. I guess my question is why is it a sin for men and women to live on the same floor, even next to each other?

I know UST thought that if they allowed men and women to live on the same floor there would be promiscious sex everywhere. From my experience, no one on our floor 'hooked up' without forming a real relationship. We all were friends, made easier by the fact that there was testosterone there to balance out the estrogen. There were cliques and groups but I could go into any single room and hang out and talk with any one on my floor at CSU and enjoy myself. And I know that everyone else felt the same way. Unfortunately, I'm afraid my experience at UST was very different and not for the better.

Money Isn't Everything

I am bad at money. I will not try and deny this simple fact. There are areas of my life which I believe I excel in, shopping is one of them. Managing my money? Not so much.

My father can and often will attest to this fact, I struggle with money management. I have a hard time living within my means, and he has bailed me out in the past, more times than I like to admit or he likes to give.

I am learning my lesson about spending wisely, saving more, and most importantly budgeting. And while I agree that knowing how to manage your money and save are important factors in life, I have found that money isn't everything.

Sure, money makes everything easier. Not worrying about the mortgage or the bills would be nice. And being able to escape reality with vacations is another plus. But to the dismay of my father I have spent my life learning about what money can't buy and what unfortunately does not get me paid in the end.

What I have learned in my 20+ years is that all the money in the world can't buy you loyalty or friendship. That money makes life easier, and without it life would be very different. However, the government provides assistance for people who have the misfortune of having no money, no skills, etc. There is no agency in the world that can provide you friendship and loyalty if you don't acquire the skills to attain those assets.

Last night my friend of 5 years, my first college friend to be exact, had a family emergency. She was experiencing something I have never had to deal with, and that most of us will never have to deal with. And while money will make that family breathe a little easier in terms of bills and mortgages and education and retirement; what she needed most was a friend. She needed someone to drive her to the hospital, to listen to her concerns, to tell her everything would be all right, and to hold her hand when it seemed it wasn't getting better. Money, would make her problems easier, but it wouldn't make her feel better. Only friendship could do that.

And so I know my father wishes I was better with my money, but I hope he can be proud of the fact that I've acquired skills to be a better person, better friend, better daughter, and one day a better wife.

So I'm sorry Dad, but I'd rather be a better friend than great with finances. And while I know one does not need to exclude the other, I'm glad I took the time to learn how to be a friend first. I have the rest of my life to learn about money.

Death And All His Friends

There are certain events in life we don't imagine having to deal with before a certain point in time. We never imagine having to say good-bye to our classmates when they pass away just a few years after graduating high school. We always imagine our parents there to walk us down the aisle, hold our hands at the hospital to welcome their grandchildren and be there with their everlasting wisdom when times are tough. And I know that my parents would tell me that they will never be ready if one of their children died before them. We seem to take certain events in our life for granted.

I have known this family for years. His mother was my brother's boss, mentor, and friend. His older brother was on the swim team with my brother and they were close friends. This young man was a classmate of mine, and a friend since we were very young. We went to high school together and he was a good guy. He was very in shape and athletic, not someone you would typically expect to have heart problems. A few years after high school and co-worker told me that my friend had passed away in his sleep. His parents were out of town and the two brothers threw a raging party. He passed out and his brother cleaned up. The next morning he didn't wake up. His parents came home to find their youngest child dead. I don't know what kind of grief and heartache they had, and I hope I never have to find out. And I hope my parents never have to find out.

This past year a classmate and teammate of mine from high school was dealt a similar hand. Her older brother passed away in his sleep. He was also in great shape, very healthy and happy. It didn't make sense. She was so shaken to her core she moved back to Colorado, broke off her engagement and is now dating one of his best friends. Neither of these two boys had a chance to grow up, to see their full potential. They didn't get to contribute to the world all that I know they had to offer.

Yesterday, my best friend told me that she was about to experience the kind of heartache that I have only had nightmares about. Her childhood best friend was about to experience the loss of a parent. And as I read her email telling me the shape of the night, the 'sending service' and her friend asking all the questions I would imagine I would ask, it makes me wonder why do bad things happen to good people? Why do we take life for granted until tragedy occurs? Do we tell the people we love the way we feel often enough? Do we take enough chances?

I guess it was a wake up call. In my life my biggest fear was rejection and humiliation. Now my biggest fear is not living. I hope I never again 'play it safe' to avoid getting hurt. If I were to encounter the same fate as any one of the wonderful people mentioned, I hope that I can leave here knowing I lived as much of my life as I possibly could. That I never shy away from an experience that may be difficult, but in the end worth it. I want to tell the people that matter the most to me that I love them. I want to make a difference on one person's life, and let people make a difference in my life. I'm sorry it just took such an awful, heartbreaking experience of one of my best friends for me to wake up to life again.

Competitive Nature

All of my life I've been competitive. I thrive on competition, deadlines, stress, and pressure. While I always realized that not everyone works this way, it wasn't until this year that I was told it's not the healthiest way to live my life, and it's not necessarily fun for those around me.

Growing up with three siblings definitely contributed to my competitive nature. It's hard to feel like you have something to offer the world when each of your siblings have special talents, gifts, abilities. My oldest brother can tell a story better than any individual I've ever met. He can captivate an audience better than anyone I've seen. My older sister is virtually perfect in every aspect of her life. She's very intelligent, very artistic, musically gifted, athletic and outdoorsy, a great cook, hairstylist, computer genius. The list never seems to end. She can play at least three different instruments, speak multiple languages, has her masters degree and is married to one of the best guys I know. Even my other brother had a great sense of humor, was easy going, carefree and happy all the time.

It's hard growing up with such individuals, because even though they're my siblings, we weren't as close as I wish we would have been. There's a five and a half year difference between me and the youngest of my three siblings. And while I wouldn't change that for the world because I think it has shaped who I am and what I'll be, it gave me many misconceptions. I know now that none of their lives are perfect, that none of them are perfect. But when I was growing up, it seemed like Brendan was the entertainer, the popular guy. Shana was the perfect daughter, doing everything well. And Colin was the easy going guy that everyone wanted to have around. My perception of reality made it difficult for me to determine what I was going to be, what I would offer to the world, and to my family.

My friends tell me I'm overly-competitive, and they are completely right. There are aspects of my life that I feel the need to win, succeed, etc. When in reality, there's no prize for winning, there's no benefit to that minor success, and I'm the one who ends up losing out on just enjoying life or the moment. And while I agree that I need to become less competitive about certain aspects of my life, there's areas I refuse to let my competitive nature die out.

Before, my view of my 'competition' with my siblings was one where I wanted to be better than any of them at what they specialized in. And while that would be difficult in any case, it's especially challenging when you have three siblings who are all extremely wonderful and talented in their own ways that are completely different than each other. For so long I couldn't see past what they were good at, I only saw their accomplishments, none of their failures, weaknesses, etc. I didn't see that none of them were competiting with eachother, I was the only one doing that.

I had to finally realize that the competition couldn't be with them, but with myself. Am I a better person today than I was yesterday? Did I fail at something so badly and still pick myself back up and try again? Did I try something new? Am I proud of the person I have become? Would I want my parents to know exactly who I am? Would I want my neice and nephew to simulate my behavior?

I think that my competitive nature will always keep me trying to better myself. Though, thanks to my friends, I hope I channel my competitiveness towards a better cause that allows me to be happy, set realistic expectations, and pushes me towards something better.