A Thank You Long Overdue

I often talk about how life has taken me down an interesting pathway and though I've lost friends along the way, I can't regret the choices I've made. I stand by that statement, except for one person. It's been over two years since I have last spoken to a former friend and I often wish I had done things differently. I've gone through phases of making excuses about why our friendship ended, blamed myself, blamed everything out there; and after two years I've finally figured out why everything happened.

The background:
My brother was my best friend, it felt like we were a team and I was always so proud to be his little sister. Growing up in a family where I was the youngest by years, I loved my oldest brother and older sister, but there was such an age difference that they were more like siblings than friends. As the years go by and I get less annoying (i.e. older) we've gotten closer, but my brother Colin was my best friend growing up, and everyone knew that. When Colin became estranged with our family I can't say it felt like a piece of me died or that things would never be right again, it just set forward into motion a series of events that would take me a long time to recover from.

My senior year I found myself at odds with my father about moving back to Colorado, binge drinking three to four nights a week, sleeping through classes and unmotivated to do anything. But people thought I was fun. When the year ended and I was done with St. Thomas, reality set in. Trying to find a job as a Psych major was downright hard. I worked at Club Monaco to pay for the bills, fought with my parents almost constantly, got into some debt, continued to party, and just was on a downward trajectory. The place I worked made me feel like I was ugly and fat, which only further contributed to how badly I felt about my current situation. So I drank.

Somewhere along the line I stopped drinking as much, stopped going out as often, and stopped being that person who laughes the loudest and is excited about doing things. Somewhere along the line, I went from living my life out of control, to barely living. I had no energy, I was a negative person, a shell of a person that I once was. The problem with being situationally depressed is that you think that you're doing a good job of managing it. You think 'Well, this really sucks right now but I'll get myself out of this soon.' and you honestly believe that your friends know what you're going through even though you tell them nothing. You start to say no to going out and soon after your friends no longer ask you.

I had a friend, a best friend even, who avoided confrontation like the plague. Not that she was afraid of confrontation, just that she believed there were more pleasant ways for things to get taken care of. One night we went out for dinner and she told me she was worried about me, she thought I needed to seek help, and that she missed the old me. When you're in survival mode and someone you love lets you know you're not fooling anyone it's a shock to the system, and not the good kind. It's not the self-examing kind that kicks your butt into gear, it's the kind that makes you resent the person who told you the very advice you needed to hear. It took me well over two years to realize this, two years to finally be grateful for the advice.

That conversation was the beginning of the end of our friendship. I began to resent my friend and became even more depressed. I'd then spend another year in a worse situation than the one I was already currently in. Being baited and switched by my former employer/landlord into a housing situation that was not financially feasible for me made climbing out of the hole I was in at that time near impossible. It's been a year since I've lived there and the financial reprocussions are still taking a toll on me, I'm still digging my way out but I'm almost there. And I'm proud of myself for doing it on my own.

Last year while I was slowly beginning the healing process I found something I loved. While running a website took all my time and energy, I buried myself in it anyway. Hockey was my healing process, the thing I needed to let take over my life to finally get back to being me. I started being more like my old self, going to concerts by myself if no one cared to go, meeting up with friends, traveling the country, being adventurous. It was slowly starting to feel normal again, despite various other speed bumps along the way.

Finally this Spring something changed. My mother reached out to my estranged brother and his wife. The communication was slow but optimistic. Looking back at the entire situation that led to estrangement, it all seems so trivial compared to the joy of family but at the time felt larger than life. Hindsight isn't 20/20, it's about looking at things with a fresh perspective, from outside the situation rather than in the midst of the chaos. And hindsight told my mother that she needed to reach out. And soon she sent me emails that made me cry, emails of her communication with my brother and his wife and how much my brother missed me. Just as much as I missed him, but the embarrassment kept him from reaching out. I've taken a lot of heat from family members who don't believe I should even let my brother back into my life, but they don't know what I've gone through these past six years. And they really don't know how instrumental this has all been to getting me back to being me.

This past July marked a change in my life when it felt like I wasn't pretending to be happy any longer, but was actually really happy. My loud laugh often fills the room I'm in, my sarcasm is back in full force and there's somewhat of a spring in my step. I finally feel like me again, but there's still something missing. I never got to apologize to my friend who loved me enough to tell me she was concerned. The friend I thanked by being an awful friend, pushing her away and ignoring her advice.

Lizzy Freeman, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you voiced your concern. I miss you every single day.

My Top 27 Songs - Part Three

Took me a few weeks to finally finish off the list, truth be told it is a long trip down memory lane trying to figure out your favorite songs, songs you don't believe you'll ever get sick of listening to. But I put on the music and sat and thought about why they were so special to me. Part of the problem is so often I'd get distracted and just listen to the music or sing along! So here's the last nine of my list, hope you enjoy!

Earth Wind and Fire - September

Every day in September I start my morning out with this song. I go to the bathroom and turn on the faucet for the shower and play this song before jumping in. It gets me moving, makes me happy, and now reminds me of my cousin Lauren's wedding. Lauren and Ryan got married in mid-September and this song was played in the warm Colorado air while we all danced away. I love my family and any song that reminds me of a joyous occasion surrounded by my family is a good song in my book. Besides that, the song rocks, every person should have at least one Earth, Wind and Fire song in their iTunes library (though I'd argue many should have MORE than just one!)

Oasis - Wonderwall
I feel like this one is self-explanatory, well really I feel like most of the songs on here are self-explanatory. You asked for my favorite songs and it seems logical that my favorite songs would include some of the greatest songs (not all, because honestly there are too many great songs that I can't have them ALL on here.) No matter how stressed out or tired or sick or sad or angry I am, this song always soothes my nerves. I love the original, LOVE it. But I listen to Ryan Adam's version when I need something a little slower, first discovered Adams while watching the first season of 'The OC' the one which takes place over Valentine's Day where Summer and Cohen are slow dancing in his room. Either version makes me stop and listen with a smile. And after all, isn't that what music should make you do?

Billy Joel - Piano Man
I feel like I'm at the neighborhood bar whenever this songs comes up, well a hybrid of the bars I went to when I was in college. A mixture of Plum's (neighborhood dive bar) and Shout House (dueling piano bar which plays 80's music.) Both hold fond memories for me, and this song was played at both places. Any time I hear this song come on I start to sing along, such great lyrics, such a great melody, you feel as if you've been to that bar, that you know Billy Joel. That's powerful. Every person I know likes this song, I'm always surprised when they don't, I always ask if they drink or not, because this is a classic bar song and most people are reminded of some of the best nights at the bar.

Fleetwood Mac - Dreams
Great song, great lyrics, great story behind the entire album. Love the creative energy Fleetwood Mac used to channel all of the negativity surrounding the group before the break up into some of the best songs they've ever done. I have two versions of this song, the remix version Stevie Nicks has on her own album (which is semi-techno but super awesome) and the original. I play different versions depending on my mood. If I need something more relaxing I reach for the original. If I'm peppy and want a little faster beat I listen to the remix. Both versions are awesome, and my favorite line in this song is: 'Thunder only happens when it's raining. Players only love you when they're playing.'

Coldplay - Sparks
I love Coldplay, but I didn't always love them. When I first heard 'Yellow' I knew it was a good song, but MTV's TRL played it a thousand times and the music video kind of ruined the song for me. I wasn't able to listen to how great of a song it was while my attention was on the music video, which I thought was awful. As time went by and they kept coming out with songs I grew to love them. They're one of those bands where you either LOVE them or you like a lot of their songs without even realizing you do. That's the group I fell into until I lived with one of my roommates who loved them. Her love for them, playing them constantly slowly turned my liking of their music to loving their music. This particular song could lull me into a peaceful state regardless of what happened in the world. And now that I live in an apartment where the upstairs neighbors sound like they're practicing to join WWE, music that does that is something I can't live without.

The Beatles - Let It Be

What can I say? I love The Beatles and the greatest bands produce the greatest music. I often talk about how songs make me feel peaceful and why I'm drawn to them. Yes, there is a need for songs that pump you up, that get your heart racing, heck I have a list of music that's perfect for the treadmill and have the songs placed in order as to make sure I can run the entire time. However, for every day aspects of life being happy, feeling an inner peace, those are things that draw me to music. Great lyrics, great message, something I can relate to. To me this song is about taking a step back, asking for help, knowing there is something greater than myself who has a plan. I never got into church, I never felt that connection with God there but music? Music reminds me that there is a force bigger than me and nature confirms my belief in that force.



Fleetwood Mac - Landslide
I feel like every person over the age of 21 can relate to this song at some point in their life. When we were younger we were fearless, swiftly going from one adventure to another, never giving a thought about the ties that bind. For me, I've grown more cautious as I get older. I'm not just talking about thinking twice before partaking in risky adventures but even small ones. Is this worth the risk? I think there's a breaking point for everyone who has ever been hurt when they stop 'surviving' life and start to live life. As I get older I'm learning to take smarter, calculated risks and not getting stuck where I once was. It may not be the meaning of the song, but it's what it means to me. And isn't that what counts? 'Well I've been 'fraid of changing cause I built my life around you. But time makes you bolder, even children get older. And I'm getting older too.'


Journey - Faithfully
Is there really any explanation needed for this song? I love Journey and wake up to this song daily. I love the arrangement on this song, I love the lyrics, I love the overall flow. Did I mention I love this song? It seems all of my favorite Journey songs have a kick-butt, high-note ending that make the songs very hard for other artists to cover. It's why I love the songs so much, you rarely hear covers of them, and when they are done they're usually done by the most talented artists. You won't find singers who use the help of auto-tune *ahem* Katy Perry, Britney Spears *ahem* and it makes it that much more special.

Now that I've done my favorite all-time 27 songs, have you started your own list?

Top 27 Songs for (Almost) 27 Years

I turn 27 this year, a scary thought to think about. I'm approaching the end of my twenties and it doesn't appear I'll be settling down any time soon. Amid my panic moment I thought of all the good times I've had, and how this is just the beginning. I realized just how many songs are tied to memories and I decided I wanted to see what songs evoked the most memories in my 26.75 years (well, let's be honest no one remembers the first few years, but whatever.) So here's the first nine songs of my list along with the reason I picked each song.

Journey - Don't Stop Believin'

I can't have a favorite songs list without this song. This is my all time favorite song. I still remember when I had gotten my Mariah Carey cd and she had redone 'Open Arms', I loved it. My dad heard the remake and pulled out his Journey cd making me listen to it instead. It took some time for me to truly appreciate how great Journey was; there wasn't a single moment that it clicked I just appreciated their music. It feels like it's just been a part of me for so long and when it got popular again like everyone else was let in on the secret of how awesome they truly are.

Ben E. King - Stand By Me
This song was originally written by King for someone else and when they didn't record it that could have been the end of this great song. This song has been redone by so many people, yet there's no one who does it quite like King. Short, sweet, no synthesizers, just music. The way it should be made. I can't imagine going the rest of my life without being able to listen to this song.

The Righteous Brothers - Unchained Melody
I remember learning this song on the piano - I loved playing it because it was so soothing and beautiful. I loved the instrumental long before I loved the words. When I finally heard the recorded version I remember thinking how moving the words were and how beautiful and sad it was at the same time. I can close my eyes, listen to this song on repeat and feel completely relaxed and at ease.

Justin Timberlake and Charlie Sexton - Hallelujah
I know that Justin didn't write this song nor was he the first to perform it. I've loved this song since I heard it by Rufus Wainwright. I've listened to Jeff Buckley and Leonard Cohen's versions but I always preferred Rufus, that was until the 'Hope of Haiti' concert when Timberlake and Sexton gave this raw, emotional and all together moving rendition. The music isn't as forceful and there just seems to be so much more feeling in the song.

Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl
There isn't a song I remember more than this one. Ever since I could remember I always loved this song, an anthem for the girls with brown eyes. You never hear someone say 'You have such beautiful brown eyes' and I was often jealous of my green eyed and blue eyed friends. I don't think there has been a wedding where I haven't danced to this song with my father. This song reminds me of love, weddings and my Dad.

The Beatles - Yesterday
My Dad loves The Beatles, I mean LOVES The Beatles. Growing up he had their albums on vinyl and slowly added the cds when they came out as well. People often marvel at how this song is so short, yet so perfect. Whenever this song comes on the radio or my playlist I always stop and just listen. It takes me back to a place I've never been before, where music is art and lyrics mean something. I love listening to this song, I just don't necessarily like people trying to cover it, it was perfect as is - no need to cover it.

John Lennon - Imagine
Imagine is one of those songs that just grabs hold of you. I wasn't alive when Lennon was, and until I was older I didn't know he had been murdered. I think a moment that changed the way I listened to this song forever was September 11th. Listening to the lyrics preach of tolerance, love, freedom and peace which at the time felt so far away. I cried to most of the songs they used for 9/11, but this one was somehow optimistic. I remember watching Glee last year and the episode 'Hairography' came on. When the show choir for the deaf school started signing 'Imagine' and the cast joined in singing and signing with them I started crying. This song for me just strikes something deep within me, it's why it connects to generations who weren't alive when Lennon passed away yet alone played.

Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten
This song takes me back to Hawai'i every single time I hear it. That's more than enough reason to put it on this list as Hawai'i was the best month of my life, ever. The song's lyrics talk about no one else can feel anything for you, that you have to go out there and live your life. I did a lot of living in Hawai'i and I don't regret a second of it. Whether it was swimming in the ocean off Waikiki at night, swimming with dolphins on my off weekend, dancing with my friends till the wee hours, eating new foods or surfing it was all worth it. The part about 'feel the rain on your skin' makes me laugh; when we were in Hawai'i we'd often avoid the beach because where we were was raining. On the last day of our time there they told us the valley where we were had 86" of rain per year and the beaches got about 0.5" of rain a year. Often it wasn't raining on the beach and we had missed some opportunities to lay out because of the crazy island climate.

Glee - I Feel Pretty / Unpretty
What girl hasn't felt like she was the most beautiful girl in the world? And on the flipside, what girl hasn't felt so low that she wanted to change everything about herself? There are people who can influence how we actually feel about ourselves and this song just spoke to me and most of the women I know. There are days I wake up feeling absolutely disgusting and there are days when I have a one of those 'on top of the world, feel like a princess' moment. This mash up is done perfectly and when it first came out I listened to it on replay for two days straight.

The Lost Art of Mail

It's been awhile since I've received an electronic e-greeting and other than my new Canadian friend and fellow Chick Sarah, it's been awhile since I've received a piece of mail. It started a few years back, when Facebook wasn't open to the general public and Twitter was just startng up. It is a slow change in the lack real connections to that of the digital world. Instead of sending a card people started sending e-cards. Then those died out as Facebook fanatics started posted well wishes on the wall, first fighting for the first 'Happy Birthday' to missing the birthday by a day and sending a belated post to finally not acknowledging that person's birthday at all.

Technology was created to make our lives more simple, to allow for instant contact with friends and family in different places. In my personal experience there are now individuals who cannot function without technology in their everyday livelihood including their jobs. There are companies that rely so heavily on technology that a snowstorm or power outage leaves the entire workforce isolated and unable to complete anything. People rarely call anymore; voicemails are considered a grave offense and most households couldn't find their book of stamps if it were a life or death situation.

I'm not against technology by any means, I love new tech trends and all the wonderful new toys they bring. I am, however, making a real effort to inject human interaction back into my relationships that technology has stolen from me.

Two years ago I was in my own situation. It was most certainly not life or death, but it felt like hell at the time it was happening. So many things going on in my life that I had absolutely no control over. Family stuff reaching a boiling point after going through four years of hurt and suffering and work stuff not happening the way I had hoped. I remember feeling utterly defeated, run down and just plain sad. I had bailed on my friends Katy and Brittany to get together because I was just too exhausted to go out. In fact, I was downright negative and stubborn when they wanted to get together. I felt awful about it afterwards, knowing they had only wanted to take my mind off of things and help. I went to work the following day and in my boss' mailbox were two envelopes addressed to me. I opened the envelopes to find hand written cards inside. Brittany and Katy each sent me a card telling me everything would work out. They were there for me and if I ever needed to go out for a drink, to vent, or just watch Friends in my pjs with a friend, they were there. I started crying at work. I tucked their cards into my gold wallet clutch and they remain there still today. Whenever I have a bad day or feel like luck is not on my side I open my wallet and read their kind words. I'll never forget how much I needed that pick me up that defeated day or what it meant to me then and what it still means to me now.

So the next time you go to send a text message or email, think about sending a hand written note instead. While I may save a kind email it usually ends up on page 59 of my inbox. Cards, on the otherhand, are placed in a special spot and revisited often.

Family Cook Book

I have been working on a family cook book for the past...well to be honest since 2008. My family is wonderful; they love good company, food, and booze. We love to cook and celebrate occasions together and with so many new baby cousins now walking around it's time to have a good Beckham (and extended family) cook book.

While it's taken me forever to get family members to find their recipes and send them on their way, it's definitely been a rewarding process. Secret recipes seeing the light of day, my cousin Lauren is helping me with the project by collecting recipes and cooking all that are submitted and taking pictures. While I can't share any of the truly secret recipes with you I will share this secret. Do it. It's so much fun to get new recipes and even more fun to get Grandma's Gingerbread Recipe and Grandpa's Krupnik recipe. Seeing my niece and nephew making Grandma's Gingerbread for Christmas warmed my heart. Grandma was keeping us all connected for the holiday even if we were 600 miles away.

The best part? They are free and are a great way to get in touch with relatives you haven't seen for far too long. When ours is finally done I'll show a picture of my Grandma's Gingerbread, my Uncle Vaughn worked hard to get that recipe Altitude friendly!!

When Will It Stop?

Friday I woke up and could not have been in a better mood. The sun was shining, I slept well, and it was Friday. I got to work and started my daily ritual of checking the news to see where the market was at and happened to notice this article on CNN.

What I read was not just the failure of this school district, but the American people as well. We live in a divided country, and anyone who tries to deny it just lying to themselves. Alive and well are many people who believe in racism, hate homosexuals, don't believe women deserve equal rights. And the less extreme version is half of Americans identify themselves as Republicans and the other half as Democrats (or at least vote that way). The problem with the last part? There are many people who are spewing hatred at each other. And our children are seeing this hateful behavior and viewing it as perfectly acceptable.

There are a good many people, both liberal and conservative who are spewing some sort of racism. Whether it's anti-black, anti-white, anti-Arabic, anti-Asian, or anti-Latino, there is always some sort of mean spirited thing being said. We live in a world where people who know me feel it is perfectly acceptable to spit out every single Asian joke at me. They hurl their jokes, insults, statements, and even propaganda at me. And then if I don't respond in a jolly way they act like I have an attitude problem. And these people are supposed to be my friends? If this kind of hatred and hurtful behavior is happening between groups of people that actually like each other, how much worse is it from people who don't care about each other? How much more harmful is it to an individual who has no friends, or the hateful words are coming from people who truly do hate them?

I think it's funny that a nation so proud of its melting pot and its "Christian" values lets so many get bullied, tortured, and attacked, verbally, emotionally, and physically. Before you say a negative thing about someone else's lifestyle remember this "Let he without sin cast the first stone." Are you completely without sin? Then worry about yourself and stop spewing hatred towards anyone else.

I often worry about my nephew growing up in this time of despair, of tolerated hatred, and wonder what he will be like when he grows up. Even if his parents (and I'm sure they will) do everything in their power to be positive influences on him, it's not as if he's living in a bubble. He interacts with people, meets people, and not all of these people will be good people. I hope that I get to live to see the day where children are not committing suicide because they feel like they are in a hopeless state of existence. Because to me, America is a place where there can be troubled times, and there can be hard times, but there should never be a time when children do not feel safe and able to be themselves. It is not as eloquent as Dr. King, but that's my dream.

Where'd You Grow Up? A Barn?

Manners are a funny thing aren't they? When I was growing up my favorite phrase my mother would say was "Don't do that, what if you accidentally do it on a date?" It was just so much easier to do it my way instead of the 'proper' way. Now that I'm out in the 'real world' I find that not everyone's mothers told them to behave, and I'm wishing they would have.

Pet Peeve # 1 - "No offense" at the end doesn't make it less offensive. If you have to say this, chances are you know that what you are saying is offensive, rude, and lacks class. The reason you say 'no offense' at the end is because you're saying something b*&$%y and you don't want to take responsibility for what you are saying. If you have the nerve to say what you are going to say, say it. Often times it's not even offensive until you add 'no offense' at the end, trying to negate all responsibility for the statement just made.

Pet Peeve # 2 - People who cut you off mid-sentence. We've all been super excited and wanted to say something, or have been talking to someone who won't let you get a word in edgewise However, there is no excuse for not waiting your turn. I know I hate when people interrupt me mid sentence, so sometimes I make an exception to this rule and interrupt them just for fun. Then I remember I don't want to be a hypocrite, so I stop.

Amendment to # 2 - If you are a constant conversation hog, then you deserved to get cut off mid sentence. It is just as rude to dominate an entire conversation as it is to cut people off. No one wants to hear your soliloquy. But thanks.

Pet Peeve # 3 - Super hardcore Republicans and super hardcore Democrats. For whatever reason people who are way to the right or way to the left think that they are the only ones with an opinion that matters. So in fact, the way left and way right share something in common, they're both out of touch, out of reality, and believe themselves to be correct. Wow, there finally may be a common ground for politics.

Pet Peeve # 4 - Hardcore but very judgmental Christians. I have nothing against people who decide Christ is their thing. I am spiritual but not religious. What I do have a problem with is people saying that "you're going to hell" when in fact their very own bible tells them (repeatedly mind you) not to judge others, and that they have no authority in this matter. What makes it okay for you to be judgmental when the very religion you're preaching is all about tolerance and love and forgiveness? Sound a little ironic and/or hypocritical to you? Me too, and I think hypocrisy is quite possibly the rudest thing out there.

And to end my rant about manners, the least polite thing to do? Tell someone they have no manners. If you've noticed so has everyone else, there is no need to ridicule or hurt their feelings. They'll get it eventually. Plus, everyone has a mother already and no one wants you to be theirs. Especially if you're not older than them (it's more insulting I think at least.)

Shelter Dogs

Today my friend came over with ice cream, salsa and People. It may see like a weird combination at first, but we were having enchiladas and chips. We needed salsa and dessert.

She brought the People on her own accord and reading a story inside of it broke my heart. It seems with job loss on the rise more and more families are having to let go of their pets. These families have cut back on cable, internet and phone service, but the lack of funds have prevented them from being able to keep a member of their family.

Reading the story broke my heart, I could never imagine giving up my pooch. I would eat less just to keep her, and at times when I was trying to figure out my budget and struggling each week to make myself become more responsible, I often did have smaller portions or eat things I didn't like to be able to afford her organic food. Why organic you might say? Well at 17lbs every ounce counts, and Chanel isn't able to keep her weight on with non-organic food. She literally loses up to 3 lbs, and when you are that small, it's very unhealthy and very scary.

The point of this blog is to encourage you to do something. If you are someone looking to add a member to your family, please look at the local shelter first. There are many well-trained loving pets who are dying for a home. And if you aren't in the position to take on a new member of your family but have some extra time on your hands, please look into donating that time to volunteering. Pets need to be played with, loved, and walked.

It's been said that only 5 minutes of petting a dog can lower your blood pressure. Isn't it almost unhealthy not to spend time with an animal?? Check out your local animal shelter for more details on volunteering your time.

You Can't Take It With You...

My father is great at saving money, and like we’ve said before, me not so much. I have a shopping/spending problem.

But lately most of my ‘purchases’ have been on meals or concerts…things that drive my father crazy. Why go out to eat when you can eat in? Why go see someone live when you can listen to the cd? It never made sense to my father, and I get it. He’s about stability and providing for his wife, children and grandchild(ren). I, on the other hand, am still young and single. I get to be a little bit more selfish. I have no children or husband to care for.

Recently my friend’s family friend died. He was a doctor, very healthy never drank or smoke and he didn’t feel well and brought himself to the hospital. Two weeks later he was brain dead. She tells me, “You can’t take it with you.” I whole-heartedly agree. My equally intelligent money saving pal (the one who told me men love b*&^%es and how to shop at TJMaxx, Ross & Marshalls) tells me her boyfriend has everything so she can never find him the perfect gift but she can give him an experience.

I think that there is a balance that needs to be found. A balance between my father and his saving ways and my friends’ advice. That we should save so we can have those ‘experiences’ later on in life, but to remember to enjoy the experiences we can while we can. My friend told me, “God doesn’t promise tomorrow.” She’s right, we only have what’s here and now. It might not be equal in probability that we live or die each day, but I don’t know many people who say “Yeah, she lived just long enough.” But I do know people who made the most out of life and those who didn’t.

One of my favorite movies of all time has a quote and it goes a little something like this: “Either get busy living or get busy dying.”

Irish Asian

When I was little and didn't understand race, ethnicity, etc. I told everyone I knew I was Irish. My mother and father are Irish, and they would tell us when we were celebrating St. Patrick's Day or explaining about the many Claddagh rings around our house that WE were Irish.

My understanding of the English language at 5 is obviously much different than it is now as 20+. So I went around telling everyone I was Irish. I was raised Irish, I followed the Irish (Notre Dame) and I loved Corned Beef and Cabbage. It made no sense to me that my Asian features made it impossible for anyone to believe I was truly Irish.

Last year I lived with a girl and she yelled at me all the time. There was nothing she loved more than to make others feel bad. So when I was telling this story she thought it best to put me down and say, "You're not Irish, what are you dense?"

Now my parents already had the talk with me about being Asian, and I understand that. However, from my Race & Ethnicity class I learned that race and ethnicity are merely cultural and are not concretely defined. The definition of 'Black' varies from country to country based on shade, upbringing, etc. There is no gene that unite all Irish people, or any 'people' for that matter. To be Irish is technically a cultural upbringing and a state of mind.

So I hope tomorrow brings out the spirit of the Irish in you. But for me, I always was and forever will be Irish.

Are You There God? It's Me, Courtney

I was raised Roman Catholic, and while I am glad I was for the moral aspect, I am no longer practicing. What I've learned about prayer came more through experience and this email chain than anything else.

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.

If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.

In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. So, put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while."

In my life, I have been carrying an emotional burden for the past four years. And it has been a hard four years. Many other troubles entered my life, I believe it's because I was being weighed down by this burden. It wasn't until I met my friend Andrew who taught me how to pray. At first it sounded too simple. How could it even work? And then I tried it, and strangely I felt better. Now I don't know if there is a God or not, and that's not a debate I am ready to tackle. What I do know, is that even if there isn't one, praying to him lifts my burdens. My prayer is simple, it goes something like this.

"Dear God, the universe and spirits. Please give me the strength to get through this. I'm putting it out in the universe, I am asking you to help me carry it."

In many ways it reminds me of my favorite verse in the bible: "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

Queen Of Passive Aggressiva

Yesterday, my friend came over and was sick. The remedy? Dr. McDreamy, and lots of it. While watching the first season, all the hilarious quotes and moments came to mind and conversation. We exchanged quips about what was said, what was going to be said, and just in general laughed loudly.

Approaching the season finale, we knew Addison was coming. And although I hated Addison at the beginning, I grew to love her. One of my favorite lines that McDreamy ever said was to Addison. "There is a land called Passive Aggressiva and you are their Queen." Now if you know the show he is not one to talk. He could of told Meredith about being married several times but it was never mentioned. A little bit of the pot calling the kettle black.

Recently I've talked about trying to become more direct, and I am trying. It's slow at first, saying the little things that don't really hurt anyone's feelings and by saying them do no harm to relationships. And it was scary at first, but it's getting easier. However, there are always going to be a few people in your life that make being direct difficult. I can count those people on one hand, and I know exactly why I avoid the whole truth with them, they simply do not respond well.

These people are direct, they are honest, and they have no problem telling me what I am doing wrong. A prime example is my father. He is very honest, very direct, and I never am left guessing how my actions are affecting him. In every way my father is direct and forthright. However, when it comes to discussing things with him, I am less than direct. I avoid talking to him in general if not just about the subject.

Why is it that telling the most direct people the truth is harder than others? I think it has to do with the fact that most of these people are used to telling others exactly what's up. But I don't know if my father has had a lot of people serve him the same amount of honesty throughout his life that he delivers. I know for me, it's always difficult to hear the whole truth, but for someone who's used to delivering it, I fear it can be even harder. The reaction is not always pleasant and it seems that sometimes they are more sensitive to complete honesty than one would expect.

It's so much easier to be direct and tell the truth and understand it can be hard to swallow. But it's completely different hearing the whole truth, and sometimes hearing things you don't want to hear.

I guess my question is, how do you respond correctly to direct, open and honest conversations? I know that when I have been on the receiving end I usually smile awkwardly but inwardly feel like a beaten dog. Does it get easier when we get older or does age have nothing to do with it? Is it more about practice makes perfect?

Money Isn't Everything

I am bad at money. I will not try and deny this simple fact. There are areas of my life which I believe I excel in, shopping is one of them. Managing my money? Not so much.

My father can and often will attest to this fact, I struggle with money management. I have a hard time living within my means, and he has bailed me out in the past, more times than I like to admit or he likes to give.

I am learning my lesson about spending wisely, saving more, and most importantly budgeting. And while I agree that knowing how to manage your money and save are important factors in life, I have found that money isn't everything.

Sure, money makes everything easier. Not worrying about the mortgage or the bills would be nice. And being able to escape reality with vacations is another plus. But to the dismay of my father I have spent my life learning about what money can't buy and what unfortunately does not get me paid in the end.

What I have learned in my 20+ years is that all the money in the world can't buy you loyalty or friendship. That money makes life easier, and without it life would be very different. However, the government provides assistance for people who have the misfortune of having no money, no skills, etc. There is no agency in the world that can provide you friendship and loyalty if you don't acquire the skills to attain those assets.

Last night my friend of 5 years, my first college friend to be exact, had a family emergency. She was experiencing something I have never had to deal with, and that most of us will never have to deal with. And while money will make that family breathe a little easier in terms of bills and mortgages and education and retirement; what she needed most was a friend. She needed someone to drive her to the hospital, to listen to her concerns, to tell her everything would be all right, and to hold her hand when it seemed it wasn't getting better. Money, would make her problems easier, but it wouldn't make her feel better. Only friendship could do that.

And so I know my father wishes I was better with my money, but I hope he can be proud of the fact that I've acquired skills to be a better person, better friend, better daughter, and one day a better wife.

So I'm sorry Dad, but I'd rather be a better friend than great with finances. And while I know one does not need to exclude the other, I'm glad I took the time to learn how to be a friend first. I have the rest of my life to learn about money.

Death And All His Friends

There are certain events in life we don't imagine having to deal with before a certain point in time. We never imagine having to say good-bye to our classmates when they pass away just a few years after graduating high school. We always imagine our parents there to walk us down the aisle, hold our hands at the hospital to welcome their grandchildren and be there with their everlasting wisdom when times are tough. And I know that my parents would tell me that they will never be ready if one of their children died before them. We seem to take certain events in our life for granted.

I have known this family for years. His mother was my brother's boss, mentor, and friend. His older brother was on the swim team with my brother and they were close friends. This young man was a classmate of mine, and a friend since we were very young. We went to high school together and he was a good guy. He was very in shape and athletic, not someone you would typically expect to have heart problems. A few years after high school and co-worker told me that my friend had passed away in his sleep. His parents were out of town and the two brothers threw a raging party. He passed out and his brother cleaned up. The next morning he didn't wake up. His parents came home to find their youngest child dead. I don't know what kind of grief and heartache they had, and I hope I never have to find out. And I hope my parents never have to find out.

This past year a classmate and teammate of mine from high school was dealt a similar hand. Her older brother passed away in his sleep. He was also in great shape, very healthy and happy. It didn't make sense. She was so shaken to her core she moved back to Colorado, broke off her engagement and is now dating one of his best friends. Neither of these two boys had a chance to grow up, to see their full potential. They didn't get to contribute to the world all that I know they had to offer.

Yesterday, my best friend told me that she was about to experience the kind of heartache that I have only had nightmares about. Her childhood best friend was about to experience the loss of a parent. And as I read her email telling me the shape of the night, the 'sending service' and her friend asking all the questions I would imagine I would ask, it makes me wonder why do bad things happen to good people? Why do we take life for granted until tragedy occurs? Do we tell the people we love the way we feel often enough? Do we take enough chances?

I guess it was a wake up call. In my life my biggest fear was rejection and humiliation. Now my biggest fear is not living. I hope I never again 'play it safe' to avoid getting hurt. If I were to encounter the same fate as any one of the wonderful people mentioned, I hope that I can leave here knowing I lived as much of my life as I possibly could. That I never shy away from an experience that may be difficult, but in the end worth it. I want to tell the people that matter the most to me that I love them. I want to make a difference on one person's life, and let people make a difference in my life. I'm sorry it just took such an awful, heartbreaking experience of one of my best friends for me to wake up to life again.

Competitive Nature

All of my life I've been competitive. I thrive on competition, deadlines, stress, and pressure. While I always realized that not everyone works this way, it wasn't until this year that I was told it's not the healthiest way to live my life, and it's not necessarily fun for those around me.

Growing up with three siblings definitely contributed to my competitive nature. It's hard to feel like you have something to offer the world when each of your siblings have special talents, gifts, abilities. My oldest brother can tell a story better than any individual I've ever met. He can captivate an audience better than anyone I've seen. My older sister is virtually perfect in every aspect of her life. She's very intelligent, very artistic, musically gifted, athletic and outdoorsy, a great cook, hairstylist, computer genius. The list never seems to end. She can play at least three different instruments, speak multiple languages, has her masters degree and is married to one of the best guys I know. Even my other brother had a great sense of humor, was easy going, carefree and happy all the time.

It's hard growing up with such individuals, because even though they're my siblings, we weren't as close as I wish we would have been. There's a five and a half year difference between me and the youngest of my three siblings. And while I wouldn't change that for the world because I think it has shaped who I am and what I'll be, it gave me many misconceptions. I know now that none of their lives are perfect, that none of them are perfect. But when I was growing up, it seemed like Brendan was the entertainer, the popular guy. Shana was the perfect daughter, doing everything well. And Colin was the easy going guy that everyone wanted to have around. My perception of reality made it difficult for me to determine what I was going to be, what I would offer to the world, and to my family.

My friends tell me I'm overly-competitive, and they are completely right. There are aspects of my life that I feel the need to win, succeed, etc. When in reality, there's no prize for winning, there's no benefit to that minor success, and I'm the one who ends up losing out on just enjoying life or the moment. And while I agree that I need to become less competitive about certain aspects of my life, there's areas I refuse to let my competitive nature die out.

Before, my view of my 'competition' with my siblings was one where I wanted to be better than any of them at what they specialized in. And while that would be difficult in any case, it's especially challenging when you have three siblings who are all extremely wonderful and talented in their own ways that are completely different than each other. For so long I couldn't see past what they were good at, I only saw their accomplishments, none of their failures, weaknesses, etc. I didn't see that none of them were competiting with eachother, I was the only one doing that.

I had to finally realize that the competition couldn't be with them, but with myself. Am I a better person today than I was yesterday? Did I fail at something so badly and still pick myself back up and try again? Did I try something new? Am I proud of the person I have become? Would I want my parents to know exactly who I am? Would I want my neice and nephew to simulate my behavior?

I think that my competitive nature will always keep me trying to better myself. Though, thanks to my friends, I hope I channel my competitiveness towards a better cause that allows me to be happy, set realistic expectations, and pushes me towards something better.

Completely Undomestic

There are those women who are amazing at everything. I am not one of them. Unfortunately, my sister is. She can play multiple instruments, speak multiple languages, make amazing meals, is incredibly athletic and outdoorsy, can sew anything from her own outfits to my quilt. She's great at painting pictures, drawing, etc. She is basically perfect, and it's not really fair.

Today, the devil aka Chanel, ripped her toy to shreds. I decided to try and sew it up. Two ducks, two sewing jobs and twenty different finger pricks later. How can I barely fix this stupid dog toy without injuring myself? And the worst part, I'm not even doing it well.

So where do these women learn how to do everything? And have you noticed there are women who can do everything men can do and then some? Like I'm pretty sure my sister can rock climb as well as most men, serve a better dinner than most men, and can sew her own clothes better than most men (and women for that matter). How do you never hear of these men who can do it all? And even more importantly, are there men who can do it all like my sister? Or could it be that women might have evolved past men?