Harassment and the Workplace

If you haven't heard about the female reporter Ines Sainz and her allegations of harassment against the New York Jets; I must ask you, "Where the heck have you been?" This issue is always a sticky one, and a conversation with my friend and fellow CWGAP writer has inspired me to write about my feelings regarding this issue. Buckle up, this piece is going to be long, there's no way to explain how I feel in a short piece.

There are so many different camps when it comes to this story, too many to count but here goes. There's the 'boys will be boys' camp, the 'she gets what she gets for wearing what she wore', the 'a woman should be able to walk around naked and not get harrassed' and then there's the camp I reside in. Harassment should not happen, but I need to live in reality and make sure I behave in an intelligent manner so that I minimize my encounters with it.

I have been harassed, and much worse. I've been sexually assaulted in front of friends, cried out for help and ignored. I've been the victim, and it's a scary place to be. The only story of the many I have is this: I was at a friend's house drinking with friends. A person I didn't know came over, started verbally harassing me, I removed myself from the situation. Then a drinking game started and I sat down. The person reached across the table in front of my guy and girl friends and groped me. I told them to stop and no one did anything. People said I was over-sensitive, that it was my fault because of the fact that I'm not flat chested. I was wearing a cute shirt, but nothing scandalous, nothing overly-revealing. I left the house with my friend at the time and cried the entire way back home. I felt powerless, ashamed that I didn't do more, and embarrassed. I was a wreck. Some people told me it was my fault, and I disagree. I was not flirting with that individual, I wasn't dressed inappropriately, but I was drinking. And therefore it was my fault because he was drinking as well and he couldn't help himself. WRONG. Alcohol is not a carte blanche excuse to behave poorly. Me dressing well or not being flat chested is not an excuse to treat me like anything less than human. Anyone who tells you otherwise, well they need not be your friend, or at least they need not be mine.

That's my story, and it is something of a reality for most women. Stats have been thrown out that some 95% of women will be harassed or assaulted at one point in time. I don't know how accurate that is, but one time is one time too many. No man OR woman should be treated as anything less than human or without dignity and respect. That being said, I do not live in a fairy tale. I know what is realistic and I know what is not. Some say women should be able to walk around naked and not get harassed, assaulted, or raped. They should be able to, but they are not. What is right and what is real aren't always the same, often times they are light years away. Does that mean you stop fighting the good fight? No, but it means you take care of you. It's my right to dress as I want and do what I want within the laws of society. That being said wearing lingerie and walking by myself in a shady part of town isn't smart. It may be my right, but my mother always said, "What's more important, being right or being alive?"

Here's an example. Last year a man in Minneapolis walked out in front of the snowplow. Snow is flying everywhere, the driver did not see the man, but the man technically did have the right of way. Now, that man died after being hit by the snowplow, but he was right. So what is more important to you? Does looking both ways before you cross the street really impede your right as a pedestrian? No, and actually it's your responsibility as a law abiding citizen. So having the right and staying unharmed are your two choices. What do you pick? I pick staying unharmed and alive. But maybe that's just me.

I think what happened to Ines is sad, on many different levels. First and foremost, any person who feels threatened in their workplace should have the right to complain and not be put on trial. We shouldn't be judging her outfits and her behavior and pointing the finger at her. Shouldn't, but do. Second, this sets female reporters in the locker room back. Should it? No. Will it? Yes. So not only has Ines been harassed, she's been critiqued, put on trial, and all the while screwed any female reporter over while doing so. I support her in her claims, she should never be made to feel like anything less than a human being and no one should make her feel uncomfortable at work. That being said there is a reality.

The reality is, no professional work place would allow her to wear what she wears. Wearing lacy tank tops that show off her midriff, arms, etc and jeans that are tighter than tight are not professional. She can wear that in her spare time, and good for her that she looks so amazing. She shouldn't apologize for that. She earned the right to dress however she wants to in her personal life, running to the grocery store, hanging out with friends, going out to bars. But this is her JOB. This is where she is supposed to be professional. Like it or not, people judge us on what we wear. Whether it's dressing professional, dressing provocatively, dressing sloppy, or not caring. People who want to be taken seriously know that their outfit speaks to how they carry themselves, believe in themselves, and whether or not they want to be taken seriously. Telling people that first impressions don't mean a thing is just lying.

One thing to think about is while women are encouraged to dress well to encourage male players to talk to them, they should also do it respectably. There is a way to look good without looking unprofessional. There are plenty of women in power suits that can look sexy. Some of my favorite clothes are work clothes because I feel damn good wearing them, mainly because of how they make me look: Smart, sexy, powerful, and tasteful. I think THAT is sexier than showing up to work in a short skirt and a belly and cleavage bearing shirt. Well, that and I would be asked to change my outfit and my mental sanity for believing this acceptable work attire would be questioned.

So should Ines be on trial for what she wears? No. Are the Jets the ones to blame for their actions? Yes. And unfortunately related, should Ines reconsider her professional wardrobe in the future? Yes. There's no reason she can't rock a skirt suit and nice top while still looking sexy but professional. In the end, this is a mixture of truths: Reality v. what should be. I can choose to ignore reality or I can understand the limitations of my rights and perfect land in a real world situation.

Words Can Break Hearts

I've said all I want to say on the Dan Ellis twitter issue. What I want to address here, on my personal blog, is the issue of cyber bullying.

Bully [Def]: 1. A person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people.2. A hired ruffian; a thug.3. A pimp.

First let me address one thing. Dan Ellis said something controversial. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and their right to express it to Dan. That being said, when did being rude, self-righteous, and disrespectful become part of the first amendment? People are attacking me because of my views, they're attacking my views, and some are doing it just to stir the pot. Many just like controversy, their lives must be boring without the drama. Money is a touchy subject in a rough economy. Point taken. Wonder how many of you would like to lose as much money as a pro-athlete does and only be able to work for 10-15 years. If you don't make enough money I'm not saying it's your fault, but this is America. This country believes in capitalism, this is where the American Dream comes true. Standing around and complaining about what you don't have does you no good. People come to this country (even nowadays) with $30 in their pocket and they find a way to make it. Nothing is impossible here, and even if you are unemployed the economy will bounce back and you will find a job, a career again. Your personal financial situation is no reason to burn someone at the stake for discussing their financial situation. Worry about your own mess of a financial situation (I know I have MORE than enough on my own plate to worry about) than to attack someone for their earnings and budget.

Moving on. What athletes and powerful people should remember moving forward. There are five things that define people today. Five things that we judge people on whether we like to admit it or not. Five things, that are perhaps the most controversial things out there. 1 - Job 2- Income/Wealth 3 - Sexual Orientation 4 - Religion 5 - Political Affiliation. It is best to avoid talking about any of these five things. While it is your right, one must remember their basic college (if you went) Psychology 101 course. Here's a quick refresher for those who didn't major in it like yours truly.

Mob Mentality: What we know about people in large groups is frightening. Our founding fathers knew about the mob effect, in fact they created the government to allow men (and now women) to help guide the masses. It was believed (and with reason) that the masses lose sight of what is important, are easily swayed, and often times are not educated on the matters that are being discussed. Sociologically and psychologically speaking, there is a reason for this. As individuals typically we take responsibility for our words, our action and our inaction. When the number of people increases the weight of responsibility is believed to be shared.

Examples: Kitty Genovese and the 38 witnesses who watched her death. Kitty Genovese was running from a man. She was screaming and begging for help. Neighbors turned on their lights and opened the windows. The man buggered off. Kitty was still in the courtyard when the man came back and killed her while people watched. 38 people to be exact. Not one called the police during the attack, one person called AFTER she was dead. Not one person tried to help her. All 38 watched her as he murdered her. Why? Each one of the 38 blamed the other 37. They thought the other person would call. They didn't want to call if someone else had. In the end no one stepped up, no one took responsibility because everyone else was waiting for 'the other guy' to do it.

The masses give people anonymity. People are able to get away with bad behavior or cruel words that they do not have to take responsibility for. The moral of the story? When there is no responsibility, some humans show their true colors.

My personal experience with bullying always brings me to tears. I shared some of my experiences on Twitter when other users told me to 'chill' about my thought that cyber-bullying was still bullying. People said they had the right to express their opinions. I agreed, but I said they had no right to be rude. People disagreed and told me they did.

In seventh grade I had great friends, I was doing well in school, I was involved in the yearbook, the band, the newspaper, every sport they offered. I was active, I was happy, for the most part. Seventh grade is when the cliques really formed. A girl who had been a good friend to me in sixth grade decided she was too cool to hang out with me now. She sat behind me in class and when the teacher wasn't looking she'd tell me that my parents bought me. Bought me like a pair of shoes or milk at the grocery store. She told me my parents didn't love me, that I wasn't their child. She told me this every day. Soon other kids were telling me the same thing. My friends started distancing themselves because they didn't want to get associated with me and targeted. I'd be doing a group project and forced to do the entire thing on my own while the other members of the group harrassed me, one member even would take his Adidas athletic sandels off and hit me on top of the head when the teacher wasn't looking. This is what I went through day in and day out. It got to the point where I was planning on killing myself. Jumping off the roof, overdosing on medication, I thought of it all. I finally cracked and told my parents, balling and ashamed. They rushed me to a psychiatrist. I spent three months in therapy with him and time with the school psychologist as well. I left happier and healthier. Enter tenth grade. Two students commit suicide within a week of each other. Principal at the time was approached a week before to set up a crisis prevention program. She said no, our school didn't have people like that. I had an emotional meltdown in class. Went to school psychologist who happened to be my Aunt's colleague from graduate program at Denver University. Together we started an initiative that still exists today that provides help to those who are strugging with the pressures of their peers and courseload.

To those that say they have the right to their opinion, that is true, you do. But your rights end where mine begin. And I have the right not to be harrassed. I have the right to be treated with dignity. If you are proud of the way you behave then you would gladly let your child repeat it towards another child, or worse, have another person's child act that way to your kids.

Just a reminder: Children do as they see, not as they're told. The Bobo Doll experiment in 1961 exemplifies that. Three groups of kids. Two different reactions. Group 1 saw the adults act violently towards the doll. Group 2 saw adults rewarded for acting violently towards the doll. Group 3 saw adults punished for being violent towards the doll. Group 3 had lower rates of violent behavior. The control group that did not see any of the films had much lower aggressive or violent behavior than any of the three groups that saw the films. While there are limitations to any study, including this one, the point is: what you do speaks volumes to your children. I hope you're acting in a way that you'd want them to emulate.

Just remember: bullying is bullying is bullying. Sticks and stones do break bones but words can break someone's heart or spirit. Think before you speak.